Page 11 of Calm Before the Score

“No offense, coach, but I don’t have time to run around the field and play games,” I smugly answered him.

He looked me in the eyes, and I’ll never forget what he said to me after that. “You’re going to make it in football, kid. It’ll be your way out of whatever you’re running from, but it’s up to you to give it a fair chance.”

I don’t know why that hit me so hard. I was running from more than anyone knew. I looked over to Mom, tears poolingin her eyes, losing weight, and arms crossed. I couldn’t stand to disappoint her again. I nodded, wiped away a small tear from my eye, and asked him when I could start.

Once I started playing, everything I thought about football was proven wrong. Coming to Springs U was an easy decision for me. I didn’t even think about college until my junior year of high school. That’s when my high school football coach said I had a real shot at a full ride, and I worked harder than ever to get it. My plan was to go straight to work. Help mom pay the bills and bring her to all of her appointments after I graduated.

Slamming me back from my runaway thoughts, Mom swings the door open and shouts, “Ryan, what on earth are you doing here! It’s Friday! You’re supposed to be having fun, son!” she yells as she squeezes me tight in her frail arms, but weaker than she has in the past. I know it’s coming. This doesn’t get better. It progressively gets worse. That’s what terrifies me the most.

“I was out running errands and figured I’d bring you your favorite.”Lies. I came here to check on her, but what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

“Come sit with me.” She invites me on the couch. She needs to sit. She’s having a bad day. Her legs are weaker than usual, and she doesn’t want me to know.

“Big game this weekend! I can’t wait to watch you live from this dingy couch!” She laughs it off. I know deep down she wants to be there, but she can’t risk it.

“Look out for my heart after I score the first touchdown of the season. It’ll be for you,” I assure her.

My face heats without permission. “I’ll have my eyes on you.”

“Alright, let’s watch that show where all the people yell and fight at each other, you know, you’re favorite.” She smiles as I turn on her favorite show. I don’t leave until she’s into a deep sleep, and I carry her to her bed.

9

Violet

“Weekend time,” Liza yells and does a little happy dance as we meet in the courtyard after our last class.

It’s Friday, and the first football game of the season is tomorrow night. I never missed any of Hartley’s high school football games, so seeing him play college ball this year is a huge deal. He had a pretty good run last season, but he’s the official first-string wide receiver, so that means he’ll be getting the ball a lot more. I watched all of his games last year on livestream, counting down the days until I was at Springs U with him.

“I’m pumped for the game tomorrow. What are you wearing? More importantly, what are you wearing out after?” Liza asks with as much energy as she could possibly have. I swear she’s like the blonde energizer bunny.

“Out? Ummm, I usually just go home after the games and watch some highlights on ESPN,” I share shyly.

“Well, get ready because we are going out after all the games. All the guys head out to Downtown Tap. It’s a blast.”

“I’m not sure,” I say reluctantly.

“Come on. What better night to step out than the first home game? You’ll love it, and I will be with you the whole time,” she assures me.

“Ok. I’ll try it.” I smile at my newfound friend.

I need to step out of my comfort zone and meet new people. Liza has been a really good friend, and I want to spend time with her, but I immediately feel my chest tense up, and my palms get sweaty.

What if Liza ditches me at the bar? What if Hartley isn’t there? What if I run out of things to talk about to the group?I start spiraling.

Liza stops walking and taps my shoulder. “Vi, are you ok? You look like a zombie.”

I shake my head and assure her that I’m fine, but I most definitely am not fine. Especially if the night goes as unpredictable as my first college party went. I crave predictability. It helps with my anxiety. If I know what to expect, I don’t have to panic. Unfortunately, nothing seems to go as planned at Springs U.

***

“I’m ready,” I yell to Liza from my bathroom. Makeup and hair products are scattered everywhere. This is what preparing for a night out is like. We decided to get ready here since Liza lives in the dorms and has a roommate. Plus, Hartley has been gone all day for game prep. We both chose short, ripped jean shorts with Springs U football jerseys. These are shorter than I am used to wearing, but I said I wanted to step out of my comfort zone this year.

It doesn’t hurt that there is a strong possibility of running into Ryan at the bar after the game, and I want him to see what he’smissing out on. I haven’t seen or spoken to him since that text. I avoid him in class by arriving early and leaving after most of the class is already gone. I’m wearing Hartley’s jersey, and Liza is wearing…

“Is that Locke’s jersey number?!” I ask as I grab the back of her jersey to get a closer look.

“Uh, yeah, it is. He gave it to me last year when we were a thing. I haven’t had a chance to get another one.” She shrugs, looking defeated. Liza is usually bubbly and confident. I don’t like that the mention of Locke dims her sparkle.

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