Page 53 of Redd

It took only a split second for me to know what it was I experiencing. And I had to deny myself the reality instantly.

No, it's not real.

My body was confused, reaching for high notes when all it knew was rejection. I was rejected as a woman, rejected as human, rejected by my father. . .

Kindness hadn't existed in my world, until now. All of my being wanted to embrace what it felt like to be valued again, cared for again—loved again.

I can't do this, I can't fall into some false love for a man I don't know.

What would it do to me when he threw me away too?

Redd had made it clear, I wasn't going to be here for long. It was unfair for my brain to try and reveal emotions I couldn't handle. I couldn't take being rejected again, no matter what shape it came in.

I couldn't feel anything for this man and Redd couldn't feel anything for me.

What I felt was wrong, it was too unhinged and ragged to be authentic. I was living in a dream, where those feelings came alive and took over my body.

But none of it was real, none of it was true.

Redd had shown me a kindness and compassion I had been denied; my confused body, the mess of hurt and carnage, it was mistaking any touch that wasn't pain for something that didn't exist between us.

He didn't want anything to do with me. And if he knew the truth, if he had any idea how dangerous I really was for him. . .

He would run the other way.

He should run from me, because I'm going to get him killed.

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