Page 48 of Pushed

Chapter Twelve

Imperial

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Pushing against hisshoulders, I forced our lips apart. “What the hell was that? I don't know what—”

Forcing me into silence, he asked, “I thought. . . I don't know. Did you want that?”

I do. . . I don't. . . I—

What the hell do I want?

His eyes searched my face, hands falling free from my hair. Sliding his palms up and down his thighs, he stood up, turning away from me. “You're right, that won't happen again.”

“It's not that, it's just. . .” Fiddling with my lips, I could still feel the warmth from his skin against mine. “I don't know, everything is just too much right now. I'm not sure if it's real, fake, another fucking show.”

“Too much? Can things be anymore fucked up than they already are?” Dropping back down, he gripped the sides of his head, rubbing his temples. “None of this is right, not one fucking second of it. But you, I can't understand it, but you are.” Grunting to himself, he threw his hands onto the back of his scalp, bending into his waist. “You're getting into my head, Imperial, I don't know if that's good or not.”

Kicking my feet back and forth over the floor, I tucked my hands under my thighs. My nerves were twisting, coiling tight and fast like a tornado. They were reeking havoc on my insides, making me question everything I thought he was.

He was supposed to be evil, he was supposed to be a killer, a bastard, a piece of fucking shit for everything he was putting me through. But that wasn't who I was seeing anymore.

I saw kindness, I saw weakness, I saw all the things he wasn't allowed to ever show outside these walls.

Machi was a man.

Shaking his head in his hands, he jerked his body upright. “It's not good, none of this is good. This—” Drawing long lines with his finger between us, Machi's voice tumbled out quick. “This can't happen, it just can't. If we cross this line, then everything I've been working for is gone, it's done, all of it will be over. Not that it matters, I'm barely living as it is.”

“But—”

“No,” he snapped, jumping to his feet and pacing in small circles. “I have to do what I came here for. If I get lost in you, if one ounce of my head isn't thinking straight because I'm thinking about you, then all of this will be for nothing.” Throwing his arm out, it hit an invisible wall at his side. “Fuck, Imperial.” Spinning on his heel, his fingers clenched the bridge of his nose as he turned his back to me.

“Will you just shut up and let me finish?” Opening my eyes wide, I let my head dangle over my shoulder. “I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, but I want it, and I don't know why.”

“What?” he asked, his head slowly ticking over his shoulder. “What the hell do you mean?”

“You're not what I thought you were, I can see that now.” My heart impaled my ribs, crashing so forcefully I expected it to leap from my chest and land on the floor. “I just don't know what to do with that.”

Chuckling, Machi groaned in despair. “I'm exactly what you thought I was. You have no idea, Imperial, the things I've done—” Lowering his gaze to the floor, he shook his head. “I'm going to hell.”

“Tell me then, tell me so I can be afraid of you. Tell me so I can stop my heart from hitting warp speed when you touch me, tell me so I can stop thinking about how it felt in your arms and how good it felt to have your hands on my body.”

“I can't tell you shit because it doesn't matter. I'm here, I don't want to be, but I am. But you, you don't belong here, and whatever you think you feel, forget it.”

“Yes, it does matter. You want me to trust you, you're telling me you're going to help me get out. Then give me something to hold onto, give me something to cling to so I can understand. You say you're not a monster—but now you say you are?Which one is it? If you don't want to be here, why not just leave? What's keeping you?”

“I'm a bad man, I'm a horrible person, but I wasn't built this way. I'm here for a reason, for a purpose, and I'm not leaving until it's done. Knowing why doesn't change anything for you. Knowing what created me, knowing why I'm here, that would only hurt us both. You're innocent here like this, just the way you are. If you knew, blood will be on your hands too. If they found out that you knew the truth, you'd be just as dead as me.”

He wasn't scaring me, he wasn't forcing me to see him in a different light. If he had wanted me to hate him then he would have just let this place have me.

If he wanted to be the man he claimed he was, he wouldn't have penetrated my mind or found a way to claw into my heart.

And he wouldn't be trying to save me.

Standing up, I pushed in close, brushing my fingertips over his jaw, forcing him to look at me. His eyes were glossy, lost in a memory that he refused to share.

I felt for him, for the pain he kept hidden and the hate he had to live with. Something was eating at his insides, pushing him into a world he didn't want to begin with.

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