Page 66 of Beg Me Angel

Chapter Eighteen

Pax

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My Angel,

Forgive me.

Forgive me for all the wrongs I have done to you. Forgive me for not giving you more, for taking from you in a way that only really helped me. I've always been good at taking, it comes without a thought, without a second glance. I take, I don't give.

And that's what I did with you, I took you, I kept you, I held onto you like you were mine and mine alone. I was wrong.

You wanted to see me as a hero, to see me as the man that came in and saved you. I didn't. Saving you would have been calling for help, saving you would have been telling someone I knew where you were, saving you would have been keeping you far away from me.

I didn't do any of those things. Instead I pretended not to see your face, I pretended that you were a homeless soul just like me. I pretended that I was helping you.

I can't tell you in words how sorry I am that this is how it ended. I thought I could fix you the same way you had fixed me.

Because that's what you did, you held my hand and pulled me out of a world I had no control over.

I owe you an explanation, if nothing else, for what I did. I kept you for me, for my own personal selfishness. I couldn't let you go once I had you, I couldn't handle the thought of you not being mine. Even now, as I'm sitting in a cage, being threatened with death; I still don't want to let you go, but my hands are tied.

But I need you to know that they're wrong—all of them.

They're going to try and make you believe things that aren't true. Everything they're saying is a lie.

I would never harm you, I would never do the things they say I did. Everything I told you about the night I found you was the truth. You were dying, you were almost lifeless. But I didn't do that to you, I could never hurt you that way.

I'm a lot of things, but I am not the man who caused your pain. I need you to believe me and I want you to find out what happened, because you deserve that.

Angel, you gave to me more than I could ever tell you. You showed me that I can still care for another, that I'm not as tarnished as I thought. You gave me a second chance.

You—only you. And for that, I am forever yours.

Whatever you find, I hope you get your answers, but remember they'll only be just memories. They don't have to rule you, they don't have to control you.

You're better than your past. Don't let it steal the light inside you, it doesn't have to.

That was a mistake I made, I let my past take over, I let it twist me into the man you found.

When you came into my home I was so broken and on the verge of doing the one thing I didn't want to do ever again. I was so close to it, I could smell it and feel it all the way into my bones.

But because of you, I didn't. You snapped me out of a dark trance and wrapped your fingers around my heart, pumping it full of life.

I don't know what's going to happen or where I'm going to end up, I don't even know if you'll ever actually read this letter. But just know that the time I had with you was everything.

Nothing will change what I feel for you, Angel, and I hope you can forgive me for wanting you all to myself.

If I'm guilty of anything it's not being able to give you back. I'm guilty of not doing the right thing and taking you home when I could have. I knew the world was looking for you, but I just didn't have the heart to give you away.

For that I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I couldn't give you what you needed, I'm sorry I left you with empty promises. But I am not sorry for finding you.

Finding you was the best thing that ever happened to me.

And I hope one day you can find the silver lining.

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—Paxton

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