Page 57 of Matrix

“It was all I did. School was boring. It was too easy, especially math.”

“I know what you mean. I see numbers and formulas in my head, but not how you’re supposed to. Trying to show my work was impossible. My teachers hated me. I failed math even though I could get the right answers.”

“The way they teach some kids is stupid. Not everyone has the same thought process.”

“Some schools have great programs to help neurodiverse kids learn. If I ever had a kid who wasn’t like the other children, I’d try to get them into one of those places.”

“Do you want kids?” I ask.

“I don’t know. For a long time, I didn’t think I did. But recently …”

“What changed?”

“Seeing Scar and Nitro with their kids. We never thought we’d be good dads, but they’re amazing fathers.”

“Why did you think you’d be bad at it?” I turn so I can look at his face. It’s dark and clouded over with pain. I wish he would share his secrets with me.

“If you didn’t have the right role models, then it’s harder to be an effective parent.”

“I disagree. Terrible parents show you whatnotto do.”

“Maybe.”

“Tell me about your parents.” I rest my cheek against his chest. It might be easier for him to talk about it if I’m not watching him.

“I don’t remember them.”

“Why not?”

“When I was a baby, they’d leave me in my crib for hours on end, starving and dirty. One of the neighbors heard me screaming and called the cops. I was removed from the house because I was suffering from extreme neglect.”

“Oh, honey. I’m so sorry that happened to you.”

“Thanks, babe. After child services took me away, I went through a series of foster homes, but none of them wanted me.” The pain in his voice breaks my heart.

“There are many good foster families out there, but it sounds like you never found one.”

“Nope. Never had friends either, not until I met Scar.”

“Where did you two meet?”

“Hell.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“It’s a very long story. Someday, maybe I’ll tell you everything.”

“Why not now? I’m a good listener.”

“You mentioned you have brothers, too, but you’re not close to them. Why’s that?”

“A lot of it’s related to the work I do. I get busy, and I’m distracted a lot of the time. Also, I just haven’t made the effort. Relationships die if you don’t put some work into them. They don’t seem to care, either. I’ve gotten a few calls since Angie went missing, but it feels like it’s more out of obligation than actual interest.”

“That sucks, but attachments aren’t forever. I learned that when I was a kid.”

“It’s hard to form them when you’re getting bounced around in the system.”

“I learned how to be alone. I couldn’t count on anyone, so I learned to rely on myself. In a weird way, I wouldn’t be so capable if I hadn’t gone through a rough upbringing. Growing up, if I wanted something, I had to figure out how to get it. I stole a lot. Food. Clothes.”

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