Page 73 of Matrix

“You know it’s not.” I kiss her trembling lips until she relaxes in my arms. The conversation we need to have is too important to rush. I don’t want to have it right now.“We’ll talk more when we get back to Montana. Okay?”

“We can’t leave for a few more days. Doc said we’re stuck here until Angela and the other girls make it through withdrawal.”

“So, they were all drugged?” My brow furrows. Even though I knew this would probably be the case, it still pisses me off. Considering what they did to the girls, those cartel guys deserved long, painful deaths. If only I’d had more time with them. I would have made them suffer.

“Doc gave the girls something to help them through the withdrawal process. Angie and the others should be okay. It will just take time. I need to go sit with her.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” I ask.

“No. Stay here and rest until I’m back. Then, I want you to hold me all night. I won’t be able to sleep unless you’re beside me.”

“I’m not going anywhere, babe.” I kiss her forehead.“Let me know if you need me. I need to talk to the guys. I’ll be right downstairs.”

“I love you.”

Her huge emerald-green eyes meet mine. There’s so much hope and love in them that it takes my breath away. My mind goes blank, and all I can do is respond with what’s in my heart.“I love you, too.”

She smiles and kisses me before walking out the door, leaving me stunned. For a few seconds, I’m elated, but then reality kicks in. Even though I told her about some of what happened with Blackstone, she still doesn’t really know me. She doesn’t understand what I went through. Not the worst details. Part of me wants to tell her everything, but it’s so dark and fucked up that I don’t think I can. She’s only caught a glimpse of the demons that torment me. She doesn’t realize the full extent of it. She knows about the dissociation and cutting, but she hasn’t discovered my darkest secret. If she found out about it, what would she think?

But if we’re going to stay together, then she needs to know the truth. I’ve got to tell her everything. Otherwise, there’ll always be an insurmountable wall between us. Sometimes love isn’t enough. I wish it were, but that’s not always the case. Ultimately, I think she can handle it, but I won’t know until I tell her everything. For us to work, I can’t hold anything back, and I’ve got to do it soon. Because if I don’t, I won’t be the only one walking away with a shattered heart.

Chapter 18: Daisy

Sitting in a chair by my sister’s bed, all I can think about are the men who did this to her. Not just the cartel but the customers. What kind of sick people would do something like this? Men like that make me wonder if my faith in the general goodness of humanity is misplaced. But then I remember guys like Matrix, Scar, Vapor, and Fang. They’re fighting battles I can’t even get close to and in ways I could never comprehend until now. I understand why they do the things they do, not in an intellectual way, but in a visceral way. Their rage against Blackstone makes sense now. I can see why they’ll do whatever it takes to destroy him—because he’s evil. He’s enabling monsters, and he must be stopped.

We must find a way to connect Lulu’s to Blackstone. If my sister saw Blackstone talking to the cartel about human trafficking or if she was ever taken to his ranch after being kidnapped, we have him. I just need her to get better so she can talk to me. She hasn’t regained consciousness since Doc Lavine gave her medication to help her through withdrawal. He said this would happen, so I’m not worried. Instead, I’m furious at the whole situation.

The only light in the darkness right now is Matrix. I can’t believe I told him I love him, but it’s true. Honestly, I think I was half in love with him even before he found out I’m an FBI agent. As a club girl, I spent a lot of time cooking and cleaning for him and the other MC guys. Matrix always stood out, not just because he’s a talented hacker, but because he’s the sweetest man in the club. I fell hard and fast, but I don’t regret it. I’ve been waiting my whole life to meet someone like him.

It’s crazy that I’m in love with someone who has committed multiple felonies. I’ve witnessed several already, but I won’t turn him in for any of them. Every man he’s killed deserved it. My only regret is that they didn’t suffer the way my sister’s suffering now. I’ve never been a vengeful person, but they hurt my sister, either directly or indirectly, and they got what they had coming to them.

I get out of my chair to pace back and forth in front of the window. It overlooks the street below, which is quiet. A stray dog sniffs around a trash can before knocking it over. It hits the sidewalk with a clang, but no one from the house across the way comes out to investigate the noise. It’s just another sultry night in the Big Easy.

A soft knock on the door cuts through the silence, and Babet walks into the room, closing the door behind her.“How is she?”

“The same.”

“Doc said she’d probably sleep the rest of the night and most of tomorrow. Have you eaten since you got back?”

“No. But I’m not hungry. I’m too pissed off to eat.”

“I know all about that.” Babet drags a chair next to mine. I sit beside her, but we’re both facing the bed, watching over Angela.

“Thank you for being here for us.”

“It’s what I do. These men are my family. I take care of them, and they watch over me. It works out for everyone.”

“How did you meet them?” I ask.

“That’s a long, convoluted story. It’s best not to get into it unless you want me to talk your ear off.” She laughs softly.“How’s Matrix doing?”

“He’s concerned about Angela and me. I told him that I’m fine.” I pause before adding,“Actually, I told him I love him.”

“Was that the first time you said it to him?”

“Yes, but I’ve known it for a while. I just didn’t want to admit it.” I blush.

“Why not? Is it because of the Fed thing?”

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