Page 46 of Chasing the Horizon

At that moment, her father cracked a joke that had both radio hosts cackling. But there was a strange glint in Victor’s eyes. What was going on?

The radio hosts were Brett Sullivan and Addison Peet, a married team wherein the woman had never changed her last name because they were so Brooklyn hip. Apparently, they’d been raised on Victor Sutton’s psychiatric teachings and frequently looked at his book about marriage and romance for tips on how to deepen their own relationship. Valerie wanted to ask why. Didn’t they know Victor’s backstory?

But of course, they knew Victor’s backstory. Or now they did. Everyone did.

On the radio, they brought it up rather early in the conversation. Everything was live and on the air, and a little counter to the right of the microphone said there were over one hundred thousand listeners right this moment. More, apparently, listened or even watched the YouTube videos of the recordings.

“Victor, as we were talking about before the show,” Addison said, “Brett and I were raised on your books and often lookat them for guidance and self-help. But of course, it recently surfaced that your life has been far from perfect. Why do you think that is? By that, I mean, why do you think you can talk the talk but not necessarily walk the walk?”

Valerie watched her father, seated where he was across from her, in a pair of headphones and a microphone in front of him. Say something honest for a change, she demanded of him internally.

But it would only be more performance. More fake Victor Sutton.

“That’s a great question,” Victor said. “But I have to say, I got into this business because I wanted to help people. Full stop. The fact that I can’t fully help myself is another equation. I don’t think any of us can see ourselves clearly. I don’t think any of us are perfect, nor should we expect ourselves to be.”

Addison asked, “Have you ever picked up one of your own books for guidance?”

Victor laughed, but his laugh felt like it was coming from underwater. “Maybe I should do it more often. Usually, when I pick one of them up, I feel embarrassed by the word choices or the tone or the general vibe of the book. I remember almost immediately who I was when I wrote a particular sentence, and it sends me on a wild journey through the past.”

“That sounds rough,” Brett agreed. “And Valerie, whose idea was it to write this book together? Your father obviously has the acclaim, and I understand you were never a writer before this, correct?”

Valerie’s brain felt hot. Slowly, and in pieces, she tried to describe what had happened a few months back, how the publisher had demanded a book from both her and from Victor, books that would go against one another and therefore make the publisher a lot of money.

Books that would rip them further apart. As though they wouldn’t do that themselves.

“We didn’t want them to capitalize on our pain,” she offered.

Addison nodded. “And how has the process been?”

For a little while, Victor and Valerie traded questions, going back and forth. For a little while, Valerie was able to pretend that last night, Victor hadn’t disappeared and left her family in a lurch. For a little while, she could pretend that her father really was in therapy, that he was trying to get better rather than just spouting advice to everyone else around him and hoping something stuck.

The world thought her father was a genius. But did she?

That was when things took a turn.

Valerie wasn’t entirely sure which question hurt Victor, which one “set him off.” But suddenly, Victor was ranting in a way Valerie hadn’t seen in years.

“But the thing about making a mistake is, it feels like you really can’t ever live it down, not even to yourself,” Victor said. “It’s like you have to wake up every day and love as best as you can and try to like yourself as well as you can, and it all feels so impossible, so improbable. It’s like, I totally understand why people do insane, selfish things. They do them because they’re afraid of unique and big emotions. They do them because they’re afraid that people will hurt them first, and they want to be the ones to dish it out instead. They do them because they’re afraid of death. I don’t know. For years, I’ve been looking at myself, watching myself make decisions, watching myself hurt people, and I still can’t fathom why. I just.” Victor hung his head and shook it. “I just want to understand myself before I die. I think everyone wants that. But I’m getting older. I’m watching my children grow up. I’m trying to get to know them again as people—because we didn’t know each other for years. They’re adults now. They have memories and pasts I’ll never fully know. Samefor me. And sometimes it’s too heavy. Sometimes I just know I’m going to destroy it all again.”

Suddenly, Victor burst into tears.

Addison and Brett looked at each other, alarmed. At first, it was like they were excited about the ratings Victor’s tears would bring in. But then, it was clear that Victor wouldn’t stop crying any time soon, and nobody knew what to do. They looked at Valerie, hoping for answers from her, but Valerie couldn’t do anything to make her father stop.

She hadn’t wanted a performance. She hadn’t wanted this, either.

It’s because he needs therapy, she wanted to tell the listeners at home.It’s because he spouts advice and doesn’t know how to take it. It’s because he’s weak in the ways we’re all weak, but he’s pretending not to be.

She couldn’t take it anymore.

I have to protect myself and the baby from this man, she thought.

Eventually, Addison and Brett cut the interview short and put on music. Victor got up and staggered into the bathroom down the hall, leaving Valerie, Alex, Addison, and Brett in shock.

“I’m so sorry,” Valerie breathed. “I’ve never seen him like that.”

Addison and Brett said it was all right. But the glow in their eyes meant it would be really all right for them, and maybe not so okay for Victor and Valerie.

When Victor left the bathroom, Valerie and Alex were waiting for him in the hallway and eager to get in a cab and flee. Valerie knew that the entire family had been back at the hotel, listeningto their interview. She knew that Victor didn’t want to return to that lion’s den or answer the questions they had for him. But where else could they go?

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