Page 60 of Chasing the Horizon

She knew the problem with “timing” was that often, we ran out of it. She knew the problem with “timing” was that, as humans, we never knew when our time to go would be.

She prayed that she and her father would have all the time in the world to heal.

She prayed that they’d look back at this pain and laugh about how silly they’d been.

She prayed. For weeks, she prayed.

And then one evening in June, just a week before her baby’s due date, she got into an accident, and everything went dark.

Chapter Twenty-Four

June 2025

It was a full week after Valerie’s accident, and Victor, Esme, Kade, and the baby were on the porch, taking in a gorgeous and light breeze off the sound. Alex was at the hospital, sitting by Valerie’s side, and Esme was doting on the baby, holding him as much as she could, even while he slept and maybe would have preferred to be in his crib alone.But how does anyone really know what a baby wants?Victor wondered.We’re all just guessing until they can grow up and say what they need.Kade and Victor were playing chess almost obsessively, to a point where it was like they were each ten to fifteen steps ahead of the other and frequently falling into stalemates. Victor had never felt so agitated in his life.

“We can stop whenever you want,” Kade said suddenly, looking at Victor with maturity and understanding. He’d just turned twelve, and it was like he was headed to college in a year.

“Sure. Yeah.” Victor stretched his arms over his head and checked the time. “I have to get over to meet Frank anyway.”

“Drive safe,” Esme ordered as softly as she could, so as not to wake the baby.

The baby still did not have a name.

Victor drove over to the little beach bar on the southern edge of Nantucket Island, where he liked to meet Frank for coffee and conversation. He found it easier to think of his times with Frank as “hang-outs” and “conversations” rather than “therapy,” and Frank went along with it, saying things like,See you next time, man, as though they were old buds. Maybe in another context, they might have been friends. The only difference was that Frank was actively helping Victor alter his course of thought—and Victor was paying him to do it.

Frank was seated at their usual table, drinking a cappuccino and a big glass of water. He got up to shake Victor’s hand and say hello. Victor collapsed across from him and touched his forehead with the tips of his fingers. It had been one heck of a week.

Since Valerie’s accident, Frank and Victor had been in communication. They’d texted and called. But this was the first time they’d actually met up. Victor guessed he looked worse for wear and said as much.

Frank just said, “You’ve been under a lot of stress. You don’t need to worry about what you look like.”

Victor ordered coffee and water and remained quiet for a little while, watching the waves lap up on the beach. They were the only people at the beach bar, which he was grateful for. He didn’t want to clam up.

Finally, he said, “When Esme told me that Valerie was in the hospital, I was burning what was left of the book we wrote together. I felt so angry with her for not reaching out to me. I felt so angry with myself for ruining our relationship.” He bit his lip. “I know we’ve talked about not giving in to those feelings. Not ‘performing’ our anger. But that night, I couldn’t help it.”

Frank nodded. “Was it working? Was burning the manuscript helping you feel better?”

“No,” Victor admitted. “It was making it worse.”

Frank remained quiet, waiting.

“I have this sense that both Valerie and I were waiting for the right time to mend our relationship,” Victor continued. “Maybe it was going to happen after the baby was born, or maybe it was going to happen on the Fourth of July, or later this summer, or on her birthday, or whatever. But now, we might never get that time. I hate myself for wasting any of our moments together. I hate myself for not really seeing how precious life is, even after everything that happened.”

“We’re so forgetful when it comes to the time we have,” Frank said. “We live like we’re going to be here forever.”

For a little while, Victor talked about Kade, about the loss of Kade’s parents, about how Kade’s Great-uncle Jack had died in early May. Victor and Esme were discussing an official adoption but weren’t sure about approaching Kade about it. How could they be sure that he really wanted that? Then again, it would set him up, legally, far better than he was right now.

Frank had been the one to help Victor find a viable replacement for Kade’s psychiatrist. It meant that Kade and Victor could be friends and only friends, people who were there for each other in everything, people who could talk and talk and talk without medication needing to be involved. It was better this way.

It had taken nearly four weeks of therapy with Frank for Victor to mention how Kade had initially reminded him so much of Joel. But these days, Kade felt more and more like his own person, so much so that Victor knew to keep them apart. He didn’t want to destroy his memory of Joel with his new memories of Kade. It was getting easier.

Toward the end of their hour-long session, Victor found himself discussing something he hadn’t imagined he’d bring up.

“I’m worried about Dr. Benson,” he said.

Frank knew immediately what he meant. Everyone on the island knew that the Suttons’ couples therapist had been the other person in the car accident that had put Valerie in a coma. Everyone knew that Dr. Benson had taken a leave of absence from work. But nobody even knew if she was still on the island. Her husband hadn’t been seen anywhere, either.

“Is it terrible if I reach out to her?” Victor asked delicately.

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