Page 38 of Chasing the Horizon

Victor’s eyes filled with tears that he quickly blinked away.She doesn’t deserve this, he thought.Nobody does.

“I can’t help but feel like this ‘pretending’ is going to last the rest of my life,” Catherine continued. “I’ll have the baby andpretend to be happy. I’ll pretend to be a good mother. I’ll pretend to be a good friend. But on the inside, I’ll be screaming. I know it.”

Victor felt her words like a gong.

They echoed every sentiment he’d had since he’d returned to Nantucket.

He was faking it. But how many other people were faking it right now? How many other people pretended to be a good wife, husband, mother, father, brother, sister, friend?

Catherine hiccuped. Victor searched his mind for the right thing to say.

Finally, he said, “How do you know you’re faking it? You’re doing it. That’s more than half the battle, isn’t it?”

Catherine blinked through her blurry mascara at him.

“Do you always feel things 100 percent? Even before this?” Victor asked. “Did you 100 percent love your husband?”

Catherine thought for a moment. “I think I did at the beginning. Maybe. Oh, but I could never trust him. If I’m honest, he always flirted with my friends. But I wanted the life we built. I thought it meant something.”

“It still means something,” Victor told her. “Look at this gorgeous brownstone. Look at you! You’re pregnant! You’re having a wonderful baby!”

Victor wasn’t sure how old the woman was. Maybe late thirties? Like Valerie, she’d waited to be a mother, and he was sure that would make her capable and kind, even if (or especially because) the husband wasn’t around.

“You have to trust yourself,” Victor said softly. “You have to trust the love you feel—both for that baby and yourself.”

When Victor returned downstairs, he realized that somehow, some way, Esme had gotten rid of every baby shower attendee, including the mother. Esme and Valerie sat on the sofa, both with a plate of cake, watching the snow swirl outside. Victor stood at the base of the stairs for a second, listening to the ringing of the silence.

“Want a slice of cake, Dad?” Valerie asked.

Victor let out a soft laugh and went over to take a piece. “What happened?”

Esme shrugged. “I made them understand how oblivious and mean-spirited they were. It was pretty easy because they were being heinous.”

Valerie nodded.

“Even the mom?” Victor asked.

“I told her she needed to go home and think about what she was doing and how she wanted to be remembered—both as a mother and a grandmother,” Esme said.

Victor’s eyes widened. He’d always known Esme was strong, but this was something else.

“Wow,” he said.

“I’m so glad you brought Mom with you.” Valerie dropped her head on Esme’s shoulder. “I couldn’t have done this without either of you.”

They sat in comfortable silence. Victor took a bite of cake and nearly choked at how delicious it was. “How much did this cost?” he asked.

“You don’t want to know.” Valerie shook her head.

“I don’t think I do.”

A few minutes later, Catherine came downstairs. She’d removed her makeup and put on a long, thick robe. She looked prettier than she had in that elaborate baby shower dress.

“I want to apologize for my behavior earlier,” she said tentatively.

Valerie hurried up to hug her. “You don’t have to apologize for anything.”

Catherine and Valerie disappeared into the kitchen to make tea. This left Victor and Esme alone in the living room, feeling whiplash from the day's craziness. Victor checked his phone to see it was a little past four in the afternoon. They’d planned to meet up with the rest of the family soon.

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