Page 86 of Stay Away from Him

I know exactly who attacked me.

Transcript of Recording

Amelia:Why did you really insist on seeing me for therapy, Thomas?

ThomasWe’ve been over this.

Amelia:We have. And you’ve had answers. You trust me, I’m good, it’s convenient. But I don’t think I believe you. Not anymore.

Thomas:Well, I still don’t have any other answers to give you.

Amelia:Have I ever told you my diagnosis of Rose? My opinion on why she struggled so much in the years you were married?

Thomas:You never treated her.

Amelia:That’s true. But I’ve been your neighbor for years. I’ve observed things.

Thomas:I always figured Rose’s issue was just some sort of chemical thing.

Amelia:And you did try medication during some portions of her treatment, didn’t you? And that helped. But that wasn’t the whole of it. Because there was a deeper root to her depression. A reason for it. More than just brain chemistry.

Thomas:What’s that?

Amelia:There was some basic fact of her life that she couldn’t bring herself to acknowledge. I sensed it every time I interacted with her. Some horrible thing that she couldn’t allow herself to say, couldn’t allow herself to admit. To me. To you. To anybody. Even to herself.

[pause]

Thomas:What was it?

Amelia:You’d know that better than me. She never said anything to me. You know that.

Thomas:You think I know? I have no clue, Amelia. I wish I did. I wish I knew what was wrong with Rose.

Amelia:Be that as it may. This kind of a situation—where there is some fundamental fact that the mind feels it has to repress, for whatever reason—it fractures a person’s psyche. Divides it from itself, alienates a person from their own reality.

[pause]

Amelia:Thomas, I believe that you know what this fundamental fact is. This thing that your wife could not allow herself to say. And I think that you pulled her out of therapy before she went missing because you feared she was going to say it. Am I close?

[pause]

Amelia:That brings us to the second question. Why you insisted that I should beyourtherapist, over my repeated objections. And I think that you, too, have a basic fact of your life that you can’t admit to anyone. Something that has split your own psyche in two, divided you against yourself. Threatened your conception of yourself as a good person. A good man. A good husband. A good father. A protector and healer of children. And I think this reality, this repressed and denied thing—I think it has something to do with Rose’s disappearance. With her murder.

[pause]

Amelia:And I think you want desperately to admit it to someone. To finally say it out loud. Which is why you insisted on coming to me. Because you think that if you can say it to anyone, you could say it to me. To your old friend. Your old girlfriend. You even seduced me, slept with me, to bring us even closer together. To make me even more the person that you can admit this thing to, a person who will keep your secret. This shameful secret, whatever it is.

[pause]

Amelia:What is it, Thomas? It can’t really be that bad, can it?

Thomas:I…

Amelia:Wouldn’t it feel good to say it? Finally?

[pause]

Thomas:[crying] I’m sorry. I can’t.

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