Page 17 of Stay Away from Him

Thomas:So which one were you asking?

Amelia:Both, maybe?

Thomas:And which one should I answer first?

Amelia:Client’s choice.

Thomas:Maybe the why-you question is the easier one to answer.

Amelia:And?

Thomas:I don’t know. I guess it’s just, I don’t really trust anyone else.

Amelia:Counselors have a code. Confidentiality. You could see anyone in the whole city, the wholeworld, any therapist, and they’d have to keep whatever you tell them to themselves.

Thomas:I know that. But also, would theyreallyobserve confidentiality? Everybody’s gossiping about me. I’m in the papers, in the news. When I step out my door, I’ve got cameras in my face, people shouting questions at me. I drive around town, and people follow me. In the grocery store, people walk upand tell me that I’m evil—or that they think I’m innocent. Everyone’s got an opinion about me. Everyone’s talking.

Amelia:And? How does that pertain to whether a therapist would keep your sessions confidential?

Thomas:You mean to tell me a therapist wouldn’t at least betemptedto tell someone that they’re treating the guy who’s been in the news every night for the past three weeks running? Maybe he wouldn’t tell the press, but he’d tell his wife. Or a friend, over drinks. The guy he plays racquetball with. Something to brag about—and then the person listening presses him for details. Maybe he protests at first, he can’t, he’s a professional, like you’ve been saying. But then he lets something slip. Just to keep his audience interested. And then that person tells a friend, and that friend tells another friend, and maybethatfriend puts it on social media, and somehow it ends up in the news.

Amelia:You really think that would happen?

Thomas:Maybe not. But it’s what I’m imagining. I can’t stop. With anyone else—anyone but you—it would be what I’m thinking about the whole session long. Checking what I say. Holding back. And I can’t do that. It’s too important, what’s happening right now. This trial, preparing for it. It’s my whole life on the line. My kids’ future. I have to stay sharp right now. I can’t fall apart. What we’re doing here—I just, I need this. I need to talk to someone if I’m going to keep it together.

Amelia:Maybe that brings us to the other half of the question. Why are you in therapy, period?

[pause]

Thomas:I don’t know if I can…

[pause]

Amelia:Thomas? Don’t know if you can what?

Thomas:[sniffs]

[rustling of tissue paper]

[sound of nose blowing]

[throat clearing]

Amelia:Go on. You can tell me.

Thomas:I’m just… I’m not doing great, Amelia.

[pause]

Amelia:Tell me about “not great.” What does that look like? What does it feel like?

Thomas:God, I don’t even know where to start.

Amelia:Start anywhere.

Thomas:Well, my wife is dead, for one thing. Maybe. Probably. I don’t even know for sure. I haven’t seen her body.

Amelia:That’s calledambiguous grief. When a person feels grief, but it’s not entirely clear what they should be grieving. Not clear what they’ve lost. It’s incredibly difficult.

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