Page 77 of This Is Who I Am

I scroll through our old group messages—pictures from The Bay, from Devon and Sadie’s backyard, from impromptu dinners at Cass’s where the wine flowed too freely and we always ended up talking over each other.

I can already hear Suzy’s loud cackle if I show up unannounced. She’ll either hug me senseless or show me the door.

I open my calendar app. Saturday is blank—hardly a surprise. Should I take a leap and just go?

I sit back and let the idea settle. Because sometimes you don’t need an explicit invitation. Sometimes, you just need to show up.

* * *

I drive to Clearwater Bay on Saturday morning. I’ve been awake since five o’clock, eager to get going. I contemplated texting Bobby and Hunter that I was coming, but I didn’t want them to either make a big song and dance about it or, worse, convince me to stay away.

As I pass the town limits, my heart fills with something I’ve been missing in Berkeley. The feeling of home. Maybe it’s because I grew up here. Or because my dad moved back after his retirement and spending time in his house cracked me open a little. Or maybe it’s because as soon as I hit the main road, I see the ocean through the gaps between the houses and, at the far end, the restaurant on the cliff.

I can’t blame myself for leaving, nor for coming back. I pull up to my dad’s house and take a breath. I study it from the outside and it certainly needs some TLC. Not long before I left, Bobby came over and shared his ideas for the place and got very excited about its potential.

For the first time, I can see myself living here. I could walk to the beach for a daily surf, something Sadie and Devon swear by—according to them, a day not surfed is a day not lived. I can walk to Bobby and Hunter’s for gay gossip. I can walk to The Bay for burgers… Burgers at The Bay will always remind me of Cass. But I hurt her and she hurt me. And we both have our hang-ups. Maybe she has forgotten about me already. She has a restaurant to run and a party to plan and friends to hang out with—and probably hot flashes and night sweats to suffer through.

I make my way inside and instead of seeing the dusty old interior, I see it the way Bobby described it to me. The way it could be. An accent wall here. Some glossy wallpaper there. A new kitchen turned this way, with a reading nook by the window.

Before I make a final decision, I owe Cass a conversation. Maybe Clearwater Bay is big enough for the two of us—although I may no longer be welcome at the best restaurant in town.

I do some much-needed cleaning, then put on my party outfit—nowhere near as audacious as Bobby’s—and, my heart beating in my throat all the way there, head to Savor.

CHAPTER37

CASS

Savor looks different again. We’ve removed most of the tables so there’s room for a dance floor spacious enough for Bobby’s exacting demands. There’s a disco ball—obviously—and colorful spotlights, and if anyone was under the impression this was going to be a subdued fiftieth birthday party they would be very wrong. It’s going to be a wild one, loud and boisterous, like its guest of honor.

My staff, who all love Suzy, are in charge of catering, and Sadie and Sam have hired plenty of wait staff to keep everyone topped up. It’s been a joint effort to put this party together—and also a welcome distraction.

Bobby, in a hot-pink suit that only he can pull off, sidles up to me and says, “We did well, Mama Cass. Our Queen Suzy will be very pleased.”

“She’d better be,” I joke, although there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for my best friend, who has, once again, been there for me every step of the way through this break-up.

There’s no more time for contemplation because Sadie and Sam arrive with their sister in tow. Suzy marvels at what we’ve set up for her and it warms my sad, old broken heart to see my friend so happy.

The restaurant fills with people. Delicious food is served and champagne flows freely.

I’m in a quiet corner, chatting to Suzy’s father Jack, when I wonder if I’m hallucinating. It can’t be, yet I’m not so tipsy as to start conjuring images of people who aren’t here. I squint and tilt my head. Obviously, I don’t know all Suzy’s friends, but she would have told me if one of her acquaintances was an Estelle lookalike. The hair. That gait. I only see her from the back, yet I know it’s her.

“Excuse me, Jack.” I make my way through the room, trying to find Hunter or Bobby, who have been in touch with her, so I can ask if they know anything about this.

But Estelle is already wrapped in Bobby’s hot-pink arms and Hunter is grinning from ear to ear next to them. What is going on here?

Pulse racing, I head over. She looks gorgeous again and the corners of my mouth pull upwards as though they have a life of their own. It’s possible that a subconscious part of me is happy to see her, even though the last three weeks have been blue and lonely and tinged with that gnawing feeling of a missed chance at something beautiful.

Estelle’s gaze finds mine. “Hey.” Her voice is still as sexy as ever.

“What a surprise,” Bobby coos.

“Let’s give them a minute, babe.” Hunter pulls his husband away.

“I hope it’s not too bad a surprise,” Estelle says. “I haven’t come to ruin your evening. I promise.”

“I—um… I need a moment to process that you’re here.”

“Maybe we should talk in private for a few minutes?” Estelle suggests.

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