Page 73 of This Is Who I Am

“Seeing you all the time would just remind me of… what I can’t have.”

“For the record, you can haveme.” Is that a joke? I’m unsure and in no mood to chuckle.

“You know what I mean. This is your town and…” The first tears stir behind my eyes.

“Estelle, please, listen to me.” Cass leans her elbows on her knees, tilting toward me. “I know I was a hormonal rage monster last weekend and I shouldn’t have said what I said. It’s obviously a massive trigger for you and I understand, but… I wasn’t myself. Surely, you could see that.”

“I heard what I heard and I saw what I saw.” Time to rebuild that wall around my heart. But, damn those tears leaking from my eyes.

“Why won’t you just… yield a little bit on this? Why can’t we talk this through?”

This is exactly what I wanted to avoid. Another discussion about this. “Because, when it comes down to it, you can’t really accept me for who I am.”

“Says who?” She brings a finger to her chest. “I’ve never said that.” Cass actually rolls her eyes.

“You don’t have to say it for me to know.”

“No way.” She scoffs. “I’m not letting you get away with this.” She takes a breath then lifts her gaze to meet mine. “I want you. I’m in love with you. And I choose you, no matter what.”

“No, you don’t.” The tears in my eyes have all but dried up. “First chance you got, you jumped into bed with someone else.”

“After you dumped me, so that’s hardly fair.”

“I can’t un-hear what she said?—”

“Estelle.” Cass’s voice is sharp like a knife. “You are using me as an excuse not to deal with your own fear.”

“Maybe, but...” I push myself out of my chair. This is definitely not what I came here for. “I still can’t do it.”

“I’m glad you can at least admit to that.” Cass gazes up at me. “That you’re the one who can’t do it.” She looks away. “At least we’re clear on that,” she mumbles.

August zigzags between my legs, stopping me from rushing out the door. I know Cass is kind of right, but it doesn’t change anything.

“Bye, Cass,” I say before I stumble into the hallway.

“I might be menopausal, but at least I’m not a coward,” Cass shouts behind me. It’s just her voice, though. There’s no sign of her as I walk out of the door.

CHAPTER35

CASS

“I went by her dad’s house earlier,” I say to Suzy as we sit on her back patio, the sky dimming into evening, “but she’s already gone.”

“Like a thief in the night,” Suzy replies. “Like she was ashamed of something.”

“Have you seen her? Heard from her?” Another Friday evening service has gone by without Estelle at her favorite table.

“Nope.” Suzy sounds a little offended, as she has every right to be. “We weren’t super close, but a goodbye would have been nice.” She refills my wine glass.

“You know how I thought after we first started dating that she was too good to be true.” My stomach still folds in on itself when I talk about her, despite my nagging anger at Estelle for just upping and leaving like that. “Turns out that she was.”

“I can see why she swept you off your feet, though.” Suzy grins at me.

“Fuck, yeah. She really did, but…” That very first climax Estelle gave me, against all expectations, is still a huge deal to me. “For someone who claimed that communication was the key to a successful relationship, she sure sucked at it when it came to her being ace.” I reach for my wine glass. “It was all such a mind fuck.”

The back door of Suzy’s house opens and shuts. Hunter walks into the living room.

“Hello, meno-bitches,” he says, a big smirk on his face. “How are the estrogen levels today?” He’s come to see me every single day since Estelle and I broke up, even if only for five minutes during service prep, just to check on me.

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