Page 71 of This Is Who I Am

She slides into the empty chair between Sadie and me.

Devon pours her a drink while Bobby raps his knuckles on the table and says, “Spill, spill, spill.”

“I ended up at this bar by the beach and there was this woman. All alone. Nursing a broken heart.”

My stomach clenches.

“We got talking and hit it off and, oh my god!” Bijou tilts her head back. “She had some stuff to work through and she worked it all out on me, in the best way possible.”

“Um, Bijou,” Bobby says. “What was her name?”

Please don’t say it, I think. Please don’t say her name.

“Cass.” Bijou’s voice is rich with unbearable smugness. “She owns the restaurant on the cliff.”

Something inside me collapses, probably that last tendril of hope Devon wanted me to hold onto.

“I’m—um.” I rise and my chair tips backward onto the floor. “I’m not feeling well. I’m sorry. I can’t stay for lunch.”

Devon is quick to stand. “Come with me,” she instructs but it’s as though I’ve already used up all my remaining energy just by getting out of that chair. Sadie rises as well and gently leads me into the house.

“Was it something I said?” I hear Bijou ask outside.

“I’m so sorry about this,” Sadie says.

“I understand you can’t stay. I’ll walk you home,” Devon holds me by the elbow, as though I might topple over like that chair. “Fucking Bijou,” she mutters under her breath.

But this is hardly Bijou’s fault. Although her words will be etched in my brain for a long time to come:She had some stuff to work through and she worked it all out on me.

“Are you okay to walk?” Devon asks. “I can drive you. Big emotions like that can really hit you in the knees.”

“I need to walk,” I say. And I need to get the fuck out of here.

“Okay. Let’s go.” Devon and Sadie exchange the kind of glance I will never exchange with anyone—least of all Cass.

“Cass is free to do whatever she wants,” I mumble.

Devon hooks her arm through mine. “You shouldn’t have had to hear that. Maybe it’s nobody’s fault, but it was still cruel. I’m sorry for that.”

“I can’t go to her now.” My voice is as wobbly as my knees.

“No, I get that.” We walk in silence, because what’s left to say after this? After life so adequately showed me why Cass and I can’t be together. At least she got what she wanted.

“I should probably tell Cass that you heard. We’re all friends and I’d like to keep it that way.” Devon curls her fingers around my arm. “Cass is hurting, too. You both are.”

“Do whatever you need to do.” Tears gather in the corners of my eyes.

“And you’re coming to surf club tomorrow. I’ll drop by and pick you up myself.”

“I don’t know, Dev.” I’m not sure about a lot of things. Or maybe I am. Maybe it’s time to make a decision. Maybe it’s time to move on.

“I’ll drop by regardless.” When I leave, I’ll probably miss Devon the most. And Sadie’s surf lessons. And Bobby’s hugs. And Hunter’s bigheartedness. Suzy’s delicious directness. And Cass… she would be the main reason to leave.

“I can stay a while,” Devon offers when we’ve arrived at my dad’s house.

“Thanks, but I’d rather be alone right now.”

“Hey.” Devon’s gaze finds mine. “This isn’t on you. You are who you are and there’s nothing wrong with that.” She sends me a smile. “I think you’re wonderful and I hope to see you tomorrow.”

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