Page 66 of This Is Who I Am

“You… can’t?” My hands tremble against the cold countertop.

“I can’t have my heart broken all over again. It’s barely hanging by a thread. I just can’t do it again.”

“No, no, no,” I say. “No, we are not doing this, babe. We are not breaking up over this, just because my hormones were raging yesterday. That can’t happen.”

“That’s not why we’re breaking up.”

“We’renotbreaking up.” I swallow a lump out of my throat and walk to her side of the counter. “Not like this. Not over that.” I look her in the eye. “Please.”

“Cass, be honest, with me and with yourself.”

“I can’t let you go.” It’s as though my body shrinks a size. “No, please.” Tears start streaming down my cheeks. What the fuck have I set in motion? “Let’s give it a day. Twenty-four hours. Please, don’t make a rash decision now. We’re both emotional. We can’t think straight. We haven’t slept. I hurt you yesterday and I’m sorry.” I wish I could say it wouldn’t happen again but I can’t fool myself into that kind of wishful thinking. “But, come on. We can talk our way through this.”

“I’ve had twenty-four hours to think about it already,” Estelle says.

I take another step closer, reach for her hands, but she pulls them away.

“But… you didn’t really give me a chance,” I say.

“I did.”

“You didn’t. It’s not likethat.” I snap my fingers. “You can’t just rock up, turn my life upside down, make me come like I’m twenty years old again, and simply expect me to be okay with not touching you. It doesn’t work that way.”

“Oh, I know that.”

“What you want from me is unreasonable,” I say.

Estelle replies with stony silence.

“I’m crazy about you. And yes, I want you. I just… need some time.” I’m running out of steam. “We have time, don’t we? We’re in no rush.”

“Cass,” all warmth has drained from Estelle’s voice—it sounds icy instead of sexy. “I’ve made up my mind. I have to protect myself. You don’t know what this is like for me. You don’t know how this makes me feel.” A tear slowly glides down her cheek. “You may think all you need is more time. You may genuinely believe that, but I have been here so many times before, I know exactly where this is going.”

“You’re so convinced I’m going to hurt you,” I start to say, but my argument feels void even before I make it because I have already hurt her. During that wretched half hour yesterday morning when all I did was lash out and hurt her.

“I don’t think we’re right for each other after all,” Estelle says.

“Are you really doing this?” My legs go weak. “Are you really dumping me?” To be honest, when I looked in the mirror this morning, my eyes full of shame, all I saw was a woman ready to get dumped.

“I’m ending things…” Estelle’s voice is barely audible. “For both our sakes.”

“It’s not for my sake,” I say. “I don’t want this.”

Estelle takes a step backward, until her back is against the fridge.

I am respectful enough not to make her feel cornered by the volume of my body in the tiny space we’re in, so I also take a step away from her. But it reminds me of how we recently defused a similar conversation of mounting tension with a dash of humor and a sprinkle of self-awareness. It doesn’t seem to be an option today. There’s nothing funny about this situation.

“Please, Estelle.” I head to the other side of the counter. “I hope you change your mind. You know where to find me if you do.” I bow my head. “Please.” I leave the house.

She doesn’t follow me.

CHAPTER32

ESTELLE

The next few days go by in a different kind of haze. One of sadness, hurt and, most of all, abject loneliness.

I haven’t been out much, not even to surf, because I’m afraid of running into Cass’s friends. They’re all over this town and I know that, if I want to stay, which is looking more and more unlikely because Cass was the biggest reason to stay, I’ll have to confront them at some point.

---