Page 60 of This Is Who I Am

“Talk to her,” Suzy offers.

I shake my head. “We talk, but I can’t tell her how much I want her. I don’t want to make her feel like she’s not enough for me.”

“You’re going to have to find a way to make her be enough for you.” Suzy is full of wisdom tonight. “Estelle can’t change.”

“But I can? Is that what you’re saying?”

“If you don’t want to lose her.” I was expecting a touch more compassion from one of my best friends.

“Of course I don’t want to lose her, but… I can’t shake this feeling that I’m missing something vital in our relationship. The way she is with me. How she brought me out of my shell. Brought me back to life, in a sense. How she makes me feel… It just all feels so one-sided sometimes.”

“Because you can’t make her come?” Suzy may be a bit sharp, but she sure hits the nail on the head.

“Yeah.”

Suzy looks me in the eye. “You have to talk to Estelle about this. You can’t keep this to yourself and grow increasingly frustrated by it as time goes on. She will understand, okay? She’s been through this before, I assure you.” Suzy’s dealt with her fair share of preconceived notions in her own life. “Prepare her a meal. Make it cozy. Make the situation non-threatening and just tell her how you feel.”

“But what difference does it even make if I tell her or not?”

“Communication. It’s the only way it’s going to work.” Suzy smiles gently. “Don’t wait until you’re in bed and can’t keep your hands off her, because that might be too much for her. Talk to her in a calm setting. Give it time. And don’t forget to count your blessings.”

Suzy’s right about one thing, I have a lot of blessings to count—I may need a mathematician to help me add them all up. But I’m less convinced about talking this through with Estelle. It’s not an easy thing to talk about and from what she’s told me, most of her relationships have ended because of the very thing I want to talk to her about. I guess I’ll just have to see what happens.

CHAPTER30

ESTELLE

Days fly by in a haze of Cass, sorting through my father’s stuff, more Cass, surfing with Sadie and the other women, Cass cooking for me, August jumping into my lap as soon as I sit down, and before I know it, another month has gone by. It’s the two-month anniversary of our burger-date and while things are going great with Cass, I have noticed a slight change in her behavior. Sex seems to have slipped off the table as swiftly—and as unexpectedly—as it found its way on there.

I have no issue with this, but I can’t shake the feeling that Cass might. So, one night, I sit her down for an important conversation I don’t want to have.

It’s Monday and she’s had a few glasses of wine with Suzy and Hunter at The Bay, which, I hope, will make talking easier.

“Come here,” I say, patting my lap, like I’m calling for her cat to join me instead of her. “I want to kiss you. Profusely.”

“Did surfing make you frisky?” Cass is definitely tipsy, otherwise she wouldn’t say that. But I see it as a good thing tonight.

“Well, you know, Sadie Ireland is no slouch on a surfboard and she paid me a lot of special attention today.”

Cass pretends to be highly offended. She gasps and, theatrically, brings a hand to her chest. “I can’t compete with a former TV-star who’s not even in perimenopause yet.”

“Lucky for you, there’s no competition.” I beckon her over again, with my eyes as well my hands. “I only want to kissyou.”

Cass sits next to me, her body angled toward me. She even seems less keen to kiss me, which worries me. Although, when I look into her eyes, there’s no mistaking her desire for me. It’s so plainly—and confusingly—on display, I can’t help but worry.

I stroke her cheek with my finger. I want her to come to me, to bridge the distance between us.

Tonight, she does. There’s nothing hesitant about her kiss. Her hands are all over the back of my neck and my hair until—also not for the first time—she pulls away abruptly.

“What’s up with that?” I ask.

“With what?” She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, her gaze skittering away.

“You’ve had enough of my kisses already?”

“No,” she says on a sigh. “God, no, Estelle.”

“Is it your hormones? Are they going haywire again?” It’s a definite possibility and even though it’s highly unpleasant for Cass, I can only hope that’s the reason.

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