Page 59 of This Is Who I Am

We kiss more, until my half-sitting half-hovering position becomes too uncomfortable. I rise and hold out my hand. She takes it and I let her guide me into my bedroom.

We undress—me fully, Estelle keeping her shorts on—and roll onto bed and tonight she treats me to a special combination of tongue, fingers and lube and the orgasm is so obliterating it zaps all of my brain power.

I lie panting in her arms and, not for the first time, I can only think of one thing. I want her. I want to make her feel like this. Something feels incomplete—bordering on inadequateness on my part, even though I know it’s not me. But there’s a gap between knowing something intellectually and feeling something in your gut, especially when the intellectual part of your brain has been incapacitated by a mind-numbing climax.

I turn on my side and look into her eyes. I curl my arm around her waist, making sure my fingers don’t dip too low.

“I want you so much, Estelle,” I whisper. “You have no idea.”

“You just had me.” She smiles that ridiculously sexy smile of hers and it’s almost enough.

“I wantyou.”

“Cass. No,” she says, her voice soft, almost pleading.

My fingertips dig into her waist a fraction. “God, I want to touch you.”

She doesn’t reply, just stares at me in silence, then swallows something out of her throat. “I need you to stop,” she says, after a while. “You know why.” Her voice is much sharper, snapping me out of my stupor.

“Oh, fuck.” I pull back my hand, as though I shouldn’t be touching her anywhere any longer. “I’m sorry. That was… not okay.”

“I get it.” There’s a distinct note of sadness in her voice. “I really do, but I need you to get used to this, because I can never give you that.”

“I know. God, I know. I was in…”

“It’s okay.” She brings her palm to my cheek. “It happens. It’s only human for you to, um, want me like that, but…”

It might be human, but it makes me feel like a bad person nonetheless. On top of that, I might have spoken in the heat of the moment, but now that I’m having sex again, I really miss the giving part. I miss making my partner come. I miss being inside them. I miss what it takes for the other person to open themselves up to me like that. The mutual trust that leads to that kind of vulnerability.

“How did your former partners deal with this?” I ask, feeling as silly as I feel naive.

Estelle scoffs. “They didn’t, hence the fact that they are my former partners.” Her hand goes rigid against my cheek.

I cover her hand with mine. “Hey, I’m not them, okay? I’m me. And yes, I need time and I need to adjust, but…” But what? I’ll get used to it? I probably will. “I still think you’re too good to be true,” I say, hoping my voice carries enough weight to make her believe me. Because this might be awkward for me, but I have no idea how it feels for her.

“I’m so fucking not.” Her hand relaxes. “I’m a challenge, I know that.”

“I like a challenge.” I chuckle at my own lameness. “And I like you. A lot.” I thread my fingers through hers. “And thank you for that orgasm. No wonder it took me a while to come back to my senses.”

“I’m very good at taking the blame for a woman losing her mind.” She sinks her teeth into her pillowy bottom lip.

“You shouldn’t be.” I shake my head. “Hey, I don’t want to lose you, okay? You’re the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time.”

Estelle expels some air, then shuffles closer and wraps me tightly in her arms. “Oh, Cass,” is all she says.

* * *

Even though it’s Monday and we could be gawking at Sadie’s surfer ladies—Estelle included—I’ve asked Suzy if I could speak to her in the privacy of her home.

It only takes a few sips of wine for me to blurt out what I’ve come to say. “It drives me absolutely crazy sometimes that I can’t touch her.”

“Figures,” Suzy replies drily. “You want what you can’t have.”

“Please don’t say it only makes me human. I know I’m a human and I know what I want.” And I also know what I can’t have.

“Sure, but, Cass, your only option is to accept Estelle as she is.”

“I know, but… argh.” I put my hands on my temples. “I don’t know how.”

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