Page 58 of This Is Who I Am

“Again, agreed.” What’s with the subtext of this conversation? Is she trying to tell me something? Or is it just me who’s got my hackles up because of the topic? “What is it you’re trying to tell me?” I ask, meeting her gaze.

“I’m not sure.” She brings a hand to her chest, as though she’s guilty of something. “I’m very protective of Cass. The past couple of years have not been kind to her and I just… I’d hate to see her hurt.”

“You think I’m going to hurt her because I’m ace?” In my experience, it’s usually the other way around.

“God, no. I’m sorry, Estelle. We’re getting off on the wrong foot and it’s completely my fault.” She shakes her head. “My friends are very important to me and…” She emits a dry chuckle. “I’m sorry. Now I’m just making excuses for my poor behavior. How appalling.”

“You care about Cass and that’s great.” For a moment, I wonder if Suzy has feelings for Cass, but she’s aromantic. “Can I askyoua personal question?”

“Please, do.” She relaxes her shoulders.

“You never fall in love?” I know it’s offensive to ask, but she hasn’t been the most tactful either. And maybe I just want to know what her secret is. Sometimes, I wish my own heart could be a little smarter.

“I wouldn’t put it like that exactly, but a romantic relationship is simply not for me. I’ve tried, of course. But the being in love part was always over in a flash and then, after that first haze of mind-altering chemicals, of being smitten, lifts, I always wonder what the hell I’m doing trying to accommodate another person. I have a great life. A loving family and the best friends I can wish for, but I prefer to be alone. I’ve never had that need to share my life with someone. I share my life with me. I do what I want, when I want it. I’m an aunt, a sister, a daughter, and, yes, also an annoyingly overbearing friend.” She holds up her hands as if to say, what are you going to do? “But I’m nobody’s partner. That’s not me.”

“And sex?” I might as well ask.

She points her thumb at her chest. “Mainly with myself.” She shrugs. “One-night stands are just so… pffhhhh.” She huffs out a loud, exasperated sigh that makes me chuckle. “Honestly, I can’t be bothered.”

When she’s not grilling me, I do like Suzy. I like her directness and also that she’s not like everyone else—that she’s like me.

“I’m not going to hurt Cass,” I say. “Not if I can help it. I’m crazy about her.” If anything, I’m afraid she’ll hurt me.

Suzy just nods, her gaze drifting to the untouched cupcake. “And she makes the best grilled cheese sandwich,” she says matter-of-factly.

“And burger,” I add.

“She’s very good at what she does. It’s a blessing to have a job that suits you so much.” She picks up the cupcake and finally takes a bite, as though giving in not just to the sugar but to me, to the possibility that I might be good for her friend after all. We sit in silence as she chews. “What about you? Have you thought about a career after mathematics?” That must be the life coach in her rearing its head.

“No, not yet.” I pick a crumb off my plate. “Math will always be a part of my life. It’s like Cass and cooking. It’s a part of us, but… I don’t know. I’m taking the time I need to figure it out.”

“And fall in love in the meantime.” Suzy winks at me.

“Oh, yes,” I say, my stomach fluttering at the thought of Cass.

CHAPTER29

CASS

On the one-month anniversary of our unforgettable burgers-at-The-Bay date, I make Estelle a cake and put one candle in her piece.

She purses her lips and looks as though she’s thinking hard. “I’m sorry,” she says. “But I don’t know what it’s for. I hope that doesn’t make me a bad girlfriend.” It’s the first time she refers to herself as my girlfriend and I’m dizzy with happiness—although the dizziness could also be the aftermath of the atrociously bad night’s sleep I had.

“You’re the best girlfriend ever,” I say, not caring one bit how teenager-like that sounds. “Exactly one month and two days ago we went on our date to The Bay. Remember, when I said sex was off the table and you proceeded to seduce me with how ridiculously sensually you devoured that burger?”

Estelle chuckles. “I will never forget.”

“I waited to make you the cake until we could properly celebrate.” I’ve never been happier with my choice of running a slow restaurant, because it means I have plenty of time to date. To get to know Estelle better day by glorious day. Sex is certainly on the table, but not all the time—not like when Sarah and I just got together.

“I’m sorry I forgot.” Estelle makes a spectacle of blowing out the candle.

“Oh, I know that mathematicians are notoriously bad with numbers.”

“Numbers are not dates,” Estelle says, her voice too damn sexy again. “But come here.” She pushes her chair away from the table. “Let me make it up to you.”

I clumsily straddle her on the chair—falling in love hasn’t miraculously transformed my body into a slight, petite shape—and kiss her. God, I kiss her. I can’t get enough of kissing Estelle. Sometimes it turns into more, sometimes it doesn’t. Usually, I let her take the lead. My libido might have come roaring back to life, but I’m still a fifty-three-year-old woman with hot flashes and a restaurant to run. No matter how sexy Estelle is, I don’t want to jump her bones all the time. But, from time to time, I do ache for how she can make me feel—like a hot-blooded woman she can’t keep her hands off.

It’s Saturday evening and I definitely want her to stay—and more.

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