Page 54 of This Is Who I Am

“What did you reply when he said that?” In the end, Cass’s opinion is the only one that matters.

She slides her hands up my arm and holds on to me. “That you’re perfect,” is all she says.

“Argh, you really are smitten.” So am I, but it’s different for me. We are not equals in this and that makes it difficult. I try to get my mind back into the zen-like state it needs for surfing, but I’m on dry land and experiencing some feelings of inadequacy that I don’t know how to express.

“Fuck, yes,” Cass says.

As always, at this early, hopeful stage, I don’t know whether to warn her or to practice blissful ignorance. Although I think I communicate clearly about what I want and don’t want, actions speak loudly, and we had sex. Of course, Cass looks at me differently since we slept together. Of course, she will want things that I won’t be able to give.

“Me too,” I say, instead of starting a preemptive conversation—because it’s just a hell of a lot easier.

“Hey, um…” Our pace picks up, as though her next sentence needs momentum to get out. “I know my hormones are raging out of control and I’ve been getting a little carried away sending you pictures of my new most prized possession.” That bottle of lube is all over our message thread. “But just as you told me that I set the pace… You set the pace, too. We set it together. I want you, but I’m aware it’s different for you. I don’t want you to feel pressured into anything.”

My hopeful heart beats a little faster.

“Especially,” Cass continues, “because of what I brought to the table before this weekend, you know, explicitly claiming that I didn’t want sex… well, things have changed quickly.”

“It’s a little confusing for both of us, but that’s as much me as it is you.” Communication is important, even more so when it comes to the parts of our personality we’re least proud of. “When you told me about your body no longer being able to experience pleasure like before, I took it as a personal challenge. I wanted to make you come so badly.”

“I noticed.” I can’t see her face, but there’s nothing but glee in Cass’s voice.

“I was not completely clear in my intentions about that, even though I know it can be such a slippery slope.”

“Meaning?” Cass asks.

“We had sex, each for our own reasons. I wanted to make you come. You… wanted me.”

“Yeah,” Cass says on a sigh.

“But I’m afraid that…” For the life of me, I can’t push the words past my lips. I don’t want to put ideas in her head that may never show up of their own accord. Maybe Cass is deliciously uncomplicated and just wants orgasms by my hand—and tongue—for the rest of her life. Maybe she’s the kind of person who is perfectly okay with what I have to offer. Maybe I’m the one with the massive chip on my shoulder and I should just shut up and enjoy the buzz of falling in love with this poised, intelligent and very talented woman.

“What are you afraid of?” Cass’s voice dips into that low, careful register. “Because I’m afraid, too. I think it’s pretty normal when you’re at the start of something new with someone. And at a stage of your life when, every single day, it feels like the rug is pulled out from under your feet.”

“Yeah.” I’m afraid of all those things too, of course. On top of the one unshakable fear I carry into every new relationship, but that’s for me to deal with.

“All I was trying to say.” Cass comes to a stop and turns fully toward me. “Is that we don’t have to use the lube today.”

“Let’s see how frisky you are when we get home.” Personally, I can’t wait to look at her when my fingers slip inside her.

“You do look criminally hot in a wetsuit.” Cass shoots me a grin. “And that tumble you made into the water halfway into the lesson was just… well, I’d say panty-soaking but my panty-soaking days are well and truly over, hence the disproportional excitement over a bottle of lube.”

“You like to see me fall.” I grin along with her. “I’m not sure what to make of that.”

“I don’t know what to make of myself any longer, so…” Cass slants toward me and kisses me on the lips. “And it’s all your fault,” she whispers in my ear before taking me home.

CHAPTER27

CASS

As it turns out, I’m very frisky. I also have no more qualms about taking off my clothes in front of Estelle. Maybe that’s why I took a tiny bit of pleasure in watching her topple off her surfboard, because it was an illustration of her own physical imperfection. She’s not that perfect that she can hop on a surfboard after years without practice and casually ride some waves. Even Estelle Raymond can’t do that.

The honest truth is I couldn’t take my eyes off her, whether she was on or off her surfboard. That I couldn’t wait to get her home. And of course we can just sleep together, I meant what I said earlier, but I wouldn’t mind if we did more than spooning.

“Show me.” Estelle sits on my bed in her familiar boy shorts and tank top, both stark white tonight and making her look even more sexy, although I don’t know how that is even possible.

“Show you what?” I play coy. I’d like for her to show me what’s underneath that tank top again. We’ve showered together so I’ve seen her fully naked but these are very different circumstances.

“Your new best friend. Better than Hunter for sure, since he would have mocked you for asking him for it.”

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