Page 44 of This Is Who I Am

“Sure.” She smiles lazily at me. “How about tomorrow?”

“Okay.” Despite everything, saying yes to Estelle is easy. She won’t judge me—and I don’t have to be naked.

CHAPTER22

ESTELLE

I pack a small bag to stay over at Cass’s. All day, I’ve been expecting a text from her saying she’d like to postpone or even cancel our sleepover date, but my phone’s been blissfully quiet.

I’m a little nervous when I head over to hers because I opened myself up to her in a way I haven’t done—haven’t allowed myself to do—in a couple of years. Not since the last scar on my heart grew over a wound so deep, I feared it might never close.

But Cass has a calming effect on me and there’s nothing more I like to do than spend time with her—and make her blush a little, if I’m being totally honest. And all of this because a former colleague at Berkeley made me promise to go to Savor as soon as I arrived in Clearwater Bay.

I didn’t return to my hometown to meet someone—to develop a crush on Savor’s irresistible chef—yet here we are. I lock up my dad’s house, glad to have a night away from the dust and the heaviness of it, sling my bag over my shoulder and walk over to Cass’s house for a sleepover followed by brunch at her friends’ house tomorrow. If I keep this up, I might start feeling as though I belong here.

* * *

“Brunch tomorrow is on,” Cass says instead of kissing me hello when I arrive. Her energy is all over the place. “Although invitations might have gotten out of hand.”

It’s as if she’s walking away from me whenever I try to get close. Perhaps I did spook her last night—in hindsight, I did come on a little strong. I do that sometimes.

“And I’m making you the perfect burger tonight.” She rushes into the kitchen as though the meat’s already in the pan.

I follow her. “Hey.” I try a smile. “What’s going on?”

“What’s going on?” she repeats. “I don’t know where my head is. I barely slept last night. I had night sweats like you wouldn’t believe. Don’t worry, I changed the sheets. I—I…” She loses steam. “Can you tell me where my head is, please?”

“It’s right here.” I bridge the distance between us and gently place my palms on the sides of her face. “It’s okay. Everything is fine, Cass.”

“I’m all over the fucking place. Today of all days.”

Slowly, I slip my hands downward until they rest on her shoulders.

“Sometimes, I think I should just take the fucking hormone pills and be done with all this mess.”

“You don’t have to suffer because you’re a woman.” I only realize how condescending that sounds after I’ve said it. I give her shoulders a soft squeeze. “How can I help?”

“I don’t know. I’m sorry.” Her eyes moisten.

“Oh, come here.” I slide my hands downward a fraction. “Can I hug you? Is that okay?”

She just nods.

I curl my arms around her and, immediately, she puts her head on my shoulder and starts sobbing, as though she held it all in until I got here.

I hold her and let her cry until my shirt is dark with her tears.

“Oh, fucking fuck,” she murmurs. “Jesus.” She sighs deeply. “What a great way for our infamous sleepover to begin.”

“I don’t have to stay if you don’t want me to. If you have any doubts.”

“Me? What about you? You’ve witnessed one of my hot flashes, now a lovely mood swing, and you might wake up in a puddle of my sweat… That doesn’t sound very enticing for you to stay.”

“I have no doubts,” I say. “I’d like to stay.”

Another sigh, then she slowly pushes herself out of my embrace. “Can we start again, please?”

“Yes.” I lower my hands until they find hers. “Hello. Good evening. I won’t ask how you are.”

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