Page 32 of This Is Who I Am

CHAPTER17

CASS

My mind blows as hot and cold as my body does these days. It’s unmistakable that I feel something, that the old engine has some steam left in it, especially since Estelle told me that ‘she only gives, never receives’. But I’m hardly going to jump into bed with her to find out what that means exactly. It’s not that hard to imagine.

We order our meal, drink more wine, even dazedly stare into each other’s eyes once in a while like lovestruck teenagers.

“Can I ask you a personal question?” Estelle breaks the easy silence.

“It’s only fair.”

“It’s not about fairness. You’ve told me plenty about yourself.” Estelle’s voice is soft—velvety, like her lips. And her eyes. God, those eyes. The lightest of brown with a hint of green—an infuriatingly complex color that I can’t stop studying. “I was just wondering, as you suffer so much from hot flashes and the other delights of menopause, whether you’ve considered hormone therapy?”

“Of course.” It’s hard for me not to get defensive about this subject—because it touches on such a sore point. “My best friend is a menopause consultant. She’s on my case about it all the time.”

“Okay.” Estelle just tilts her head.

“My mother died of breast cancer ten years ago. She was only sixty-eight.” There goes my voice. Ten years without her, and I still can’t say it in a normal tone. “She took hormones and until the day she died, she was convinced that it was the cause of her cancer. That it killed her.” I swallow hard. “Nothing I said could convince her otherwise and she made me promise… She made me look her in the eye and promise her that I would never take hormones so I wouldn’t have to suffer the same fate she did.”

“Oh my god, Cass. I’m so sorry.” Estelle extends her hand toward me again.

“I gave her my word.” I gladly put my hand in Estelle’s. “And I’m keeping it.” I hold up my other hand. “Spare me the lectures, please. I’ve heard them all a million times before.”

“I wasn’t going to lecture you.” Estelle gives my hand a gentle squeeze. “My lecturing days might very well be behind me.”

Mercifully, our food arrives. The Bay does damn good burgers—and that’s high praise coming from me.

Estelle doesn’t waste any time. She digs in with so much gusto, it catches me off guard. It’s almost as though she’s making love to the burger instead of just eating it, the way she groans and suddenly loses all decorum.

“I love the burgers here,” she says, after she’s had a couple of greedy bites.

“I can tell.” I purse my lips into a mock-pout. “One might get jealous.”

“One really mustn’t.” She puts her burger down. “They don’t compare. This burger is delicious in its own way, while your food is on another level altogether compared to most fine-dining restaurants I’ve been to.”

“Maybe I should make you a burger.”

“Maybe you should.” She licks some juices off her finger and the old engine is surely revving now. “I’m there for it. Any time you like.”

“It’s on,” I barely manage to say. I tuck into my own burger—or hide behind it, more like.

“I’ll hold you to that.” Estelle starts munching on her burger again and, this time, I simply enjoy the view. It’s pure joy to watch her eat, how she delights in it and—obviously—doesn’t care how it makes her look, even though we’re on a date.

Our conversation stops while we eat and I catch myself feeling a certain sense of pride—of look-at-me-now—at sitting outside The Bay with her. Estelle can say she’s not out of my league all she wants, but that’s not how I see things. If she hadn’t already kissed me, I’d have to pinch myself because I’m sitting opposite this gorgeous woman.

Earlier, when I suffered through another hot flash, it made me feel as if I was the most unkissable person in the world. And it’s not just that—because there’s still the unruly mass that is my body. Despite my attraction—because, honestly, it’s impossible not to be attracted to her—I’m glad sex is off the table. I wouldn’t dream of letting Estelle see me naked. I couldn’t bear it. So maybe Suzy was right. Maybe we are a match made in heaven, because I sure do like her.

After we’ve finished the burgers, wiping our greasy hands on our napkins, I pick up on something she said earlier.

“Your lecturing days are really behind you?”

“I could give you one of my lectures if you want. I’m pretty good at it.” She flashes a sly smile made all the more seductive because of the pillowy quality of her lips.

“Please, don’t teach me math. I hope that’s not what a third date’s for.”

“What’s it for, then?”

“Getting to know each other better. Asking about future plans, for example.”

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