Page 31 of This Is Who I Am

“I didn’t hesitate for even a split second.” She leans over the table. “Although, um, I talked to Suzy about last Saturday. About our dinner and that… kiss.” She leans in even closer. “I told her that you’re ace. I hope that wasn’t out of line, but Suzy, she’s aromantic. She gets it. If it’s supposed to be a secret, it’s definitely safe with her.”

“It’s okay. It’s not a secret. It’s just who I am.”

“Phew.” Cass leans back. “I was worried about it. Admittedly, I—um—yeah…”

She’s adorable when flustered like that. “You don’t know how to deal with it. It’s okay.”

“I don’t want to rush things or speak out of turn or anything like that, but you’re going to have to give me pointers, because… I don’t know the protocol.”

“The protocol…” I have to chuckle at the word. “For me, and this is very personal, but for me, no touching below the waist.” I’ve said this so many times, it comes out easy and natural enough. The reactions to it haven’t always been the same, however. “Anything else goes.”

“Okay.” Cass takes a sip of wine. “Thank you for telling me that. That, um, clears things up considerably.”

“I didn’t mean to be so coy about that. That really wasn’t my intention. In hindsight, I was more coy than honest with you.”

“You were flirting.” Cass smiles. “Brutal honesty doesn’t always work when engaged in the subtle art of flirting. I accept that.”

“I was flirting, wasn’t I?”

Cass nods. “Hence my confusion. I’ve never had a beautiful woman tell me she’s asexual and then kiss me like that before, so…”

It’s funny how we can so openly talk about everything that was so difficult to address only a few days ago.

“It’s just that,” Cass continues, “in my experience, a kiss often leads to… more.” She locks her gaze on mine. “But that will never be the case with you?” Her tone rises at the end of the sentence, telling me it’s another question she needs answered.

“Not necessarily,” I say, no doubt adding to her confusion.

“I know it’s a spectrum.” She’s curious but unafraid—another thing to like about her. “I guess what I’m asking, if this is something I can ask you, is where are you on this spectrum?”

“And we haven’t even ordered our burgers yet,” I joke. But I’m the one who kissed her and, for that, I do owe her an explanation.

I take a sip of wine, staring into the pale liquid. Then I meet her soft blue gaze.

“I do have sex, but I only give. I never receive.”

This stuns Cass into silence. I give her the time she needs to process.

“But the other day you said you didn’t have sex.”

I nod. “It was the easier thing to say at the time. This is more third date information.”

“You’re the numbers person…” She pauses. “I’ve told you about me. About what I’m going through. You’re managing my expectations and I think I should do the same with you. Sex for me… it’s not a given. Not necessarily because I don’t want to, but my body…”

“It’s okay.” I open my hand to her. “It’s absolutely not required. It’s an option, within my boundaries, but it’s not something I ever expect. It can be off the table or on the table. That’s totally up to you. I will always respect your choice.”

She peers at my hand. “I’m very much in an off the table stage.” She traces a fingertip over my palm. “Although, to be completely honest…” With her other hand, she points at her forehead. “I think my brain is trying to trick me into things my body can no longer live up to.”

“What does that mean?” Cass can be coy, too.

“It means that I find you insanely attractive. As in off-the-charts, out-of-my-league, kiss-me-again-now hot.”

I trap her wandering finger in my palm. “You’re totally in my league, Cass, and I would very much like to kiss you again.”

“Not here, though.” A blush creeps up her cheeks.

“We could give the surfer ladies something to talk about.” I keep hold of her hand in mine. It feels good there.

“Let’s keep the kissing for later,” Cass says. “How about those much-talked-about burgers now?”

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