Page 27 of This Is Who I Am

“Before we kissed, she told me that, um, she’s asexual.” This might not be for me to say, but Estelle didn’t tell me it was a secret.

Suzy stops mid-chew, eyes widening slightly. “She is?”

I nod.

Her gaze sharpens. She swallows, then asks, “And she kissed you?” Suzy seems to chew that over as much as her grilled cheese sandwich.

“Yeah.”

Finally, she puts her sandwich down and wipes her fingers on a napkin. “Tell me everything you’re thinking.”

“I don’t know what to think. I’m so confused. The whole evening was so incredibly confusing.”

“Well, then, let’s figure it out.” Suzy sends me a knowing smile. “She’s asexual. And she kissed you. Perhaps you’re assuming that’s a contradiction.”

I rub my temples. “Logically, I kind of know it’s not. Or it doesn’t have to be. But…” I struggle to articulate the rest. “It’s not just the kiss. It’s a lot of the things she said.”

“Like?”

“Like that she doesn’t date. That she’s had her heart broken too many times. That she’s never enough for the women she’s with. All of that, but then she started flirting with me, ending with a kiss I really did not see coming.”

“Okay.” Suzy picks up her sandwich again, tapping a finger against the crust. “As you well know, attraction and intimacy don’t have to fit into the neat little boxes we were raised to believe in.”

“You sound like an after-school special.”

“That’s what it takes sometimes.” She grins.

I shake my head, yet I can’t help but grin back. Even though I know all this—I don’t live in a bubble of ignorance—it’s good to be reminded sometimes.

Suzy continues, “Asexuality is a spectrum. Just like everything else. Some aces never want sex. Some do, under the right conditions. Some want romance, some don’t. It’s not a one-size-fits-all thing.”

I run my thumb over what’s left of the golden crust of my sandwich. “I get that. But I don’t know where Estelle falls on that spectrum. Or what she wants from me.”

Suzy examines my face. “What do you want from her?”

I blink at her. “I don’t know. I don’t think I want anything from her.” That might not be entirely true. I sure wouldn’t mind another one of those kisses—but not before I know where they will end up.

She lifts an eyebrow, seeing right through me, no doubt. “Are you sure?”

I press my lips together and shrug.

“You’re probably overcomplicating things. Estelle kissed you because she wanted to. Not because she’s secretly trying to trick herself into something she doesn’t want. Not because she’s confused about her identity.” She pauses. “Although I get why this is messing with your head.”

I glance at her. “You do?”

“After Sarah, you’re not really open to anything romantic.”

“That’s right and you know why.” It’s really convenient to have a menopause consultant as a best friend.

“I do, but maybe there’s an opportunity here.”

“An opportunity?”

“Do I need to spell it out?” Her tone’s sharper than usual, but her smile softens it. “Low libido meets asexuality…” She tilts her head. “Maybe this is a match made in heaven.”

It sounds a bit like what Estelle said last night. “It’s that simple?”

“Probably not, because this is life and humans are incredibly complex, but you never know.” Suzy leans over and puts a warm hand on my arm. “Why don’t you just see what happens instead of obsessing over what it means?”

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