Page 21 of This Is Who I Am

“You said you had your heart broken too many times?” Cass’s expression softens further.

“Ten times to be exact.” I smile sheepishly. “I do like numbers, but ten times is too many. My heart…” I shake my head. “It’s not because I don’t have sex that I don’t fall in love.” Unfortunately. “But it’s never enough. I’m never enough.”

“I’m so sorry, Estelle.”

“We all have our cross to bear.” I laugh at myself. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound so dramatic.”

“It’s just that, to me,” Cass says, “love without sex doesn’t sound like the complete impossibility you say it is.”

“You just told me your ex was not okay with you no longer wanting sex.” Cass has no idea.

“My ex was also twenty years younger than me. We wanted different things—things that became crystal clear when I hit menopause.”

“No kids for you?” As if her cat responds to the word ‘kids’, August turns up and jumps into Cass’s lap. She pushes her chair back to give him space, then gently strokes his head.

“Can you imagine having a newborn when you’re going through menopause? I also run a restaurant and I would have been near seventy when our kid went off to college.” She shakes her head. “I loved Sarah but it just felt completely unreasonable.” Gus rubs his chin against her fingers. “The thing is, when we met, Sarah didn’t want kids. That all changed when her best friend had her first baby. She got a bad case of baby fever, and I can’t hold her change of heart against her. I will never begrudge a woman for her biological desire to have a child, but I couldn’t do that with her. Her new wife is much younger. It’s all just so much more… suitable.”

“What about you, though? Sarah has a new wife and a baby on the way. What do you have?”

“I have August.” She looks at her cat with all the affection in the world. “I have Savor. I have my friends. It’s a pretty good life.”

“Yet you’d like a bit more fun?”

“I’d like for my body not to betray me so much. I’d like to be able to go out and not worry about hot flashes. I’d like to have a goddamn orga—” She cuts herself off. The clipped word hangs suspended in the air between us.

“You can say the word orgasm in my presence, you know.” I inject lightness into my tone. “I’m not triggered by it.”

“You’ve never…” Cass arches up her eyebrows. “Um—” Her cheeks flush. “You’ve never had an orgasm?”

“No.”

“God. It’s?—”

“I know it sounds weird, but it’s just how I’m wired. It’s not something that I miss or crave.”

“I can’t climax anymore,” Cass says. “My body seems entirely unwilling—or unable.”

Oh, fuck. Don’t go there, Estelle.This is a time to be sensitive, not to rise to a challenge. I try to ignore the tug in my chest—that old, dangerous thought. Because this is how it always begins. And it always ends the same.

“I’m sorry,” I mumble.

“It’s fine.” As if he can’t handle this conversation, August abruptly jumps off Cass’s lap. “How about dessert?” Maybe Cass can’t handle it anymore either.

“Um, okay.” I accept Cass’s swift gear change. In fact, I welcome it. And I have good reason to.

* * *

While Cass rummages in the kitchen, I take a moment to process our conversation—to absorb the effects of coming out. And to brainstorm ways to keep this as a potential friendship and not let it turn into something more. Because I am romantically attracted to Cass. I like her. Being around her is easy but also exciting. But I have my reckless little heart to consider.

She strides out of the kitchen with two plates in her hands. I can’t help but smile when I see her walk toward me. She is by no means a light-footed, dainty woman—and it only makes me like her even more. Also, deliciously paradoxically, she’s not above complaining about her body and its middle-aged weight gain, while serving a generous portion of dessert not long after. She puts another gorgeous plate down in front of me.

It’s beautiful in an understated way—dark and glossy, with a delicate dusting of powdered sugar on top. A single, thin curl of chocolate rests at an angle.

I hover my fork over the pristine surface of the dessert. “What masterpiece am I about to devour next?”

“A dark chocolate cake.” Cass settles back into her chair. “A little bitter, a little sweet. Kind of like…” She tilts her head as if assessing me.

I narrow my eyes. “Don’t say me.”

---