Page 30 of What if It's Us

I squeeze my eyes closed for a moment, trying to center myself, and focus on the job at hand. Ledger will be coming out of the bathroom any minute and when he does, I have to be ready to do what I have to do. “Fuck. Don’t mess this up, Marlee. You can’t mess this up. Legs in the air. Syringe inside. Leave it in. Keep legs up. Use pillow. God, how am I supposed to do this to myself? What if I mess it up?”

“Mess what up?”

My eyes spring open and Ledger stands in the bathroom doorway. He’s wearing his shorts, but he’s removed his shirt.

Hmm. I guess that could potentially get in his way.

Also, damn. A shirtless Ledger is a sexy Ledger.

Also, I don’t think I’m going to need the lube.

“Oh, uh. Sorry. I was just…” I shake my head. “Talking to myself. Going over the instructions. It’s a lot is all. Lots to remember and I don’t want to make a mistake.”

Ledger lifts the lidded cup he just filled. “Well, I’ve got the first part done.”

Handing me the cup, I’m surprised at how full it is. I mean it’s not overflowing but damn. Who knew a guy could come that much?

Apparently not me.

Holding the cup in front of my face, my voice trembles as I say, “Wow. Okay. Uh, thanks. Looks like you did good.”

He smiles but doesn’t say anything because what the hell is one supposed to say when you compliment their cum?

Good one, Marlee.

Way to treat him like a kid.

He didn’t color you a picture.

He literally rubbed one out into a cup for you.

Stop messing this up.

“Shit. I’m sorry,” I tell him, completely flustered. “I’m just…”

He cocks his head, watching me. “Nervous?”

“Yeah. A little.” I nod. “Okay, more than a little if I’m being honest.”

“What can I do to help?”

My brows arch and I nearly scoff out a laugh. “Because jacking off into a cup wasn’t enough for me to ask of you?”

He eyes me questioningly but then swallows and softly says, “Don’t worry. You’re not going to mess this up and if something happens, I’m a fucking factory for this stuff.” he gestures to the cup in my hands. “I can make more.”

I place the cup of sperm on my nightstand and pick up the instructions one more time, reading them to myself but also not really reading them at all. It’s more like I’m pretending to readthem to give myself a few extra seconds to calm my brain and focus.

“Well, uh,” Ledger starts, “I guess if you don’t need me, I should…” I lift my eyes to his and he hitches his thumb over his shoulder. “I should leave you to it? Or did you want me to wait?”

I want to tell him to stay because I really don’t want to be alone for this but who am I to ask him that? He’s a sperm donor. Nothing more. He never said he wanted to be involved in all the things. And I didn’t ask that of him. I can’t expect him to just bend over backwards for me. That’s not fair.

“No. Yeah, I’m good.” I nod, unsure who I’m trying to convince: him or me. “It’s fine if you want to…”

“Right. Yeah. Okay,” he says, backing away. “I’ll just grab my shirt and…”

“Yeah.”

I watch Ledger step back into the bathroom, feeling the weight of the world settle on my shoulders.

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