Page 135 of What if It's Us

How could it have happened any other way?

Why would someone just make shit up like that?

“I can tell from the expression on your face that that’s exactly what you were led to believe.”

I nod silently but my composure slips a little.

Everything was a lie?

My entire childhood…

Everything I’ve ever been told…

It isn’t true?

“Explain,” I demand.

He swallows and shakes his head, taking a deep breath before he speaks again. “I was drunk…and outrageously stupid,” he starts. When I don’t speak again he continues. “I loved yourmother, Ledger. She was my world. My whole life. We had had an argument a few days prior and were still arguing about it a bit in front of a few of her friends the night she died. We were at this restaurant that she loved. It was a party for one of her work friends. We had had too much to drink and I got behind the wheel.” He glances down, his fingers fidgeting, and when he looks back up at me, he sighs and a line of tears spills down his cheeks. “We had just picked you up from the sitter and were on our way home. She turned down the radio and I wanted it up and when I looked down, I veered too far to the center of the road and lost control of the car. We hit another car head-on and she…she…” He wipes his hand across his nose. “She died on the scene.”

Something in my stomach plummets and my heart shatters inside my chest as I watch my father relive the hurtful memories.

“I’m sorry, Ledger,” he says, crying now. “I’m so fucking sorry. It should’ve been me to die that night. It should’ve been me but I was able to walk away with nothing more than a couple of broken ribs and a twisted ankle. And you…” His eyes grow huge. “You were so scared. You had no idea what had just happened but when the police showed up they could see I was drunk and they took me away,” he cries. “They took me away and I never saw you again.”

I shake my head, my fingers curling into my fists. “I don’t understand,” I say, my voice low and strained. “If it was an accident, why did you leave me? Why did you leave me to rot in foster care?” I choke on my words as I bring my hand to my chest. “Why didn’t you fucking fight for me? What else did you do that put you here because I’m pretty damn sure you don’t end up in prison from a tragic automobile accident.”

More tears run down his face. “I wasn’t allowed to fight for you, Ledger, because your mom’s friends thought maybe I did it on purpose. That maybe I was trying to hurt your mom or all ofus. When they heard us arguing they assumed it was much worse than it really was. But couples argue.” He shrugs helplessly. “That’s marriage. That’s fucking life. Nobody is perfect. But your mom and I…we worked so damn hard on our marriage. I swear to God, I never would have hurt her. I loved her so goddamn much. Her friends told the police what they thought they knew and I haven’t been outside of this prison since. I got twenty-five years for manslaughter. You were taken away immediately. I wrote letters. I wrote letters to you all the time. Sent letters on your birthday.”

“Letters?”

“To your foster homes. Social workers. Judges. I wanted to check up on you. Let you know I loved you and missed you. But every letter I wrote was ignored or returned. After a while, I didn’t want to poison your life more than I already had. I figured…maybe you’d be safer not knowing me.”His body deflates and his shoulders fall. “I’m sorry, Ledger.”

“I thought you were a monster.”

My father sniffles and nods slowly.

“Maybe I was. Maybe I am.” He shrugs helplessly. “Idrove my wife to her death, didn’t I? I suppose that does make me a monster.” His glistening eyes come up to meet mine. “But I never stopped loving you, Ledger. And I never stopped wishing I could undo that night.”

I swallow hard, my throat burning, and push my hands through my hair as I sit here dumbfounded at this turn of events.

It was all a tragic accident.

It could have happened to anyone.

It could happen to me and…

Marlee…

“I’m going to be a dad.” The words fall out of my mouth before I can catch them.

The man across from me goes still. And then his voice cracks as he tries to smile and says, “I saw it all on the television. Your girl must be pretty special. You were looking at her the way I use to look at…well, you know.”

“I came here because…” I shake my head. “Because I thought you were a monster and I was scared to death I would end up like…”

“Like me?” he finishes my thoughts.

“I’m sorry,” I tell him. “I didn’t know. All this time, I could have?—”

“Now don’t you go blaming yourself for any of this, son.”

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