Page 55 of Changing Rules

I hate myself too.

We’re silent the rest of the way home, holding hands, listening to music. Music is like therapy. It heals wounds, glues broken parts back together, brings solace to my tormented soul. I need this little moment to open my mind, to allow my memories to find their way back to my heart.

Memories about Kevin.

When we finally get home, it’s after eleven. Xander lets me treat his knuckles and then takes Milo for a walk while I take a shower. I scrub at my skin until it’s red and raw, wishing I could wash away my mother’s hatred.

Never in my life could I imagine her saying the things she said tonight. I waited for years for her to find love for me within herself. I didn’t know how delusional I was.All this damn time.

Expecting good things from others is pointless. People are selfish. My mother and Kevin are prime examples. They don’t see their own imperfections, yet they’re happy to point out even the smallest flaws in others.

There’s no use in waiting for people like that to change their attitude. A person has to start with themselves. Change the way they see the situation. Change how it makes them feel. Once that feat is accomplished, others no longer hold any power over their emotions and feelings.

I finally know that. And now more than ever, I’m determined to set myself free.

CHAPTER 15

OBSESSION

XANDER

A year and one month ago

July

The house is silent,and Bella is already curled up under the comforter. The room is dark, the moon illuminating the space and our faces as we lie on our sides, looking at one another. As I try to sense what’s going on inside her head, anger mixes with torment, and worries take hold of my brain, making it impossible to relax. I think and think and think, and still, not much makes sense.

She shivers, and I put my hand on her side, my fingers skimming her waist. A jolt of electricity rushes through my veins and down to my toes, setting my body on fire.

Insanity.

It’s the only word I can use to explain my feelings for her. It isn’t rational, this effect she has on me.

I’m the first to break the silence, my voice hoarse. “Kevin loves you.”

“Yes.”

Thump. Thump. Thump. The rain has come again, droplets hitting the window. My heart picks up the rhythm, beating fast inside my chest.

“Why didn’t you tell me that?”

“I told you every story has two sides. Kevin’s side is different from mine.” She gnaws on her bottom lip. “I desperately wanted to be loved. I searched for validation from my mother, no matter how much she pushed me away. All I wanted was her affection, her attention. I wanted to be taken care of. But I was always a burden to her.”

Bella swallows audibly and runs a knuckle under one eye.

“Kevin…was different. Sometimes he treated me as poorly as she did. But then he’d show me kindness, and I’d get my hopes up.”

Her mom’s story from dinner comes to mind. “Like at the hospital?”

“Yeah. He didn’t leave my side for two days. He slept on the tiny couch in my hospital room. He brought my favorite foods and kept me entertained. He cared.” She takes a deep, shaky breath, closing her eyes for a moment. Her brow creases in what I swear is pain. “His attitude changed when I started dating Jake at sixteen. Then he was rude to me, cruel in his words and sadistic in his reprimands. And my mother allowed it. She told me he only wanted what was best for me, that he was doing it for my own good. But in hindsight, I can see it for what it really was…”

“Jealousy,” I offer.

She nods. “He found a condom in my purse once, and he lost it. He spanked me with a belt, leaving welts that made it impossible to sit without grimacing for a week. He said he was teaching me how to behave, how to be a good girl who always does what she’s told.” Her voice fades to a whisper, and her body trembles.

I pull her against my chest, and she buries her face in the crook of my neck.

“When I was seventeen, he raped me.” Her words are muffled now. “I told my mother about it, and, as you already know, she didn’t believe me. When she went out of town and left me alone with Kevin, his obsession grew. He was brutal at first, forcing himself on me, choking me to keep me quiet. The more he had, the more he wanted. But…” She sucks in a harsh breath. “His attitude toward me started to change.

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