Page 28 of A Not So Merry Ex-Mas

I knew this wouldn’t be easy, but I didn't think it would be this hard.

“If you could open the door for me after I grab the logs, that would be great,” I say as I close the door behind me.

When she sees me through the window panes, she pulls the door back, and I step over the threshold, but not before a gust of wind follows me. I see her shiver as she closes the door.

“What would make you go outside in this?” She asks, still looking at the storm through the window.

“I want to make sure we have enough wood for the fire.” I nod to the wood pile running low by the fireplace. I rub the snow from my head and then slip out of my coat. I then point to the storage bin. “And to grab the Christmas ornaments.”

I hang my coat and take my boots off without saying anything else. I grab a stack of logs and head to the fireplace.

I place the logs on the wood pile and then stick my hands in front of the flames to try and get rid of the chill from outside and Noelle. Glancing over my shoulder, I see her standing at the door, back to me, looking out the window.

“Okay, over there?” I ask, returning to the fire to give her space to respond.

Chapter Thirteen

Noelle

The wind and snowchurning outside is a canvas of swirling activity. This perfectly matches my emotions.

Am I okay?How do I answer that question when everything inside of me is being shaken up and stirred? The last time I felt this way, Gran had just passed away, and I let myself lean on a man who I completely misjudged.

Tears stream down my face as I watch Gran’s chest fall for the last time. A hand lays on my shoulder and squeezes.

“I’ll leaveyou alone. Stay as long as you need,” Dean says, the kind nurse who’s been in and out checking Gran’s vitals the entire day.

“Can you stay with me for a few minutes? I don’t want to be alone.” I grab his hand and pull it toward me.

“Of course.” His eyes radiate a kindness that wraps around my heart and squeezes.

I’m alone. And the only family I could always depend upon is gone.

My shoulders shake, and I hold my head with my hands.

Suddenly, a wave of deep longing washes over me, and I wish Cole were standing by my side. My heart aches at the emptiness that’s swallowing me whole because of the choices I’ve made.

I cling to the hand on my shoulder even tighter as the finality of what I did to Cole overwhelms me.

What was I thinking? Why would I push away the only man I’ve ever loved? And now, with him injured I can’t burden him with this. He’s going through enough.

Would he even want to hear from me? What have I done?

And there it is. The reason I pushed him away. I never wanted him to feel like I wasa burden. The life we planned together didn’t include the darkness that my life had become when I moved back to Utah.

When I was with Cole,everything was effortless. He was like a lighthouse,showing me the path when darkness consumed me. Once I was away from him,the darkness that was kept at bay took over.

Isolating myself from him was the worst thing I could’ve ever done, yet keeping him safe from me without being weighed down so he could live out his dream was all I ever wanted.

“Ladybug?” Cole’s gruff voice rolls over me, and I feel the storm in my body calm.

He’s always had this effect on me.

Whenever I thought something couldn’t be fixed, Cole showed me the solution was simple. He was the answer to any question I had, the one person who made me always feel protected, and I pushed him away.

Then, when he needed me most, I was nowhere to be found. It’s not that I didn’t want to be there for him, but I was afraid he would push me away.

How can I ever forgive myself? How can he ever forgive me?

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