Page 133 of The Spring in My Heart

He grimaces. “I’m the worst person in the world to tell anyone how to deal with hurt. As Lu—someone—reminded me today, I used to deal with it by doing something destructive, like racing, street fighting, or gambling. I went to therapy for years and still turned to those things. It took the accident and facing some truths to realize that being destructive was never going to fill the void.”

You lied so well…

My words to Ayla echo in my head and bring a fresh wave of pain. The thought that she is like her mother makes my stomach turn.

It’s not true.

I turned my trauma on my kid.

This is not about her or Lux. They made mistakes, but it was me who did the real damage here.

“Do you get the urge to go back to that?” I wait for his nod before I ask. “What do you do not to relapse?”

“I look at what I have. I constantly remind myself that if I want to be happy and whole, I have to focus on what truly matters. I keep my attention on Lauren, my boys, Lux, and Cam and his family. My advice is to keep your eyes on what’s most important to you.”

I see my Ayla, and I never want to repeat what we’ve been through the last two days. And then, Lux sneaks into my thoughts.

In my mind’s eye, I see Lux and Ayla together in the living room, watching that red-carpet show and laughing together. The pressure in my chest inflates like a bubble.

“I didn’t handle this well, Chase.”

“If I-didn’t-handle-it-well was a person, I would be the embodiment of it. Take it from me, life doesn’t come with a manual, and you’re human.”

I sigh. “I knew this day would come. I should’ve been more ready. I blasted my kid for something that’s normal.”

“She shouldn’t have lied. She had no reason to, and it made you react to something you were not prepared for.”

I shake my head. “Yeah, but did I make it safe enough for her to talk about her mom? Did I teach her she could come to me about that?”

“I don’t know, but what are you going to do about it?”

I press my thumbs to my forehead. “I don’t know. How do I move us past this?”

I’m talking about Ayla, but I’m also thinking about Lux. I hate the way we left things.

I walked away from her.

“Be honest and be raw. Don’t concentrate on Noris but on you and what you feel. Speak from your heart.”

We’re silent after that because the food comes, and I’m alone with my thoughts. I’m going to talk to A and fix things between us.

Then, I’m going to talk to Lux, because even if nothing comes out of it, I need to clear the air with her.

I finish my drink and head home. I get a text from Adri, asking if Ayla can spend the night.

Adri: She’s more relaxed now. Bron and CJ are love-bombing her.

She sends me a photo of CJ with his mouth all over Ayla’s cheek. She’s smiling, and I know when she comes home, she won’t be that happy. And that hurts my heart. And that is what makes me say yes.

Lux

We pull up outside Adri and Cam’s, and Lauren undoes her seat buckle.

“What are we doing here?” My voice is sharp but louder than I mean it.

She’s nonplussed as she opens her door. “I’m violating friendship boundaries with one person, but I’m also being a good auntie and sister to you. Get out.”

“Lauren, I know you all mean well, but the last thing I want is another lecture from Cam or Chase. I couldn’t take another ‘you were stupid and didn’t act like an adult moment.’”

---