Page 8 of Capturing Perfection

“He's got hundreds of credits to his name. But probably best known for his work in the 40s and 50s. He stared in movies likeEagles Over LondonandThirty Seconds Over Tokyo. He played opposite Kelly inBrigadoon. You remember the sidekick who masked his emotionality with dry witted sarcasm? I figured that would be right up your alley," he said, smiling.

Logan was relaxing. Settling into the chair, he felt the tension release from his back and neck muscles. This wasn’t so hard. Itwas just two guys talking. He’d done this thousands of times, millions of times.

Matt grinned.“Yes, well, who likes to bring the office home withthem?”

And just like that, the tension returned.

“Sometimes the office follows you home, whether or not you want it there.”

“Are you speaking of the hearing loss or the PTSD?”

Logan guessed the time for avoidance had ended. The casual conversation had lulled him into a false sense of security, but now, Dr. Lincoln would force him to face his demons. Logan's former commander could learn a thing or two from the esteemed psychiatrist.

“Either, both. I’m not really sure.”

“Tell me about the hearing loss first.”

This he could do. He geared up to give his spiel. “I explained on my paperwork that I am an Army Ranger, or I was anyway. The hearing loss is a result of a head injury, from an explosion while I was on deployment, which caused transverse fractures to my temporal bones. The fractures damaged my cochleae, and left me with a severe sensorineural hearing loss, bilaterally.”

There was no immediate text appearing on Logan’s screen so he looked up at Matt.

“How many times have you given that explanation?” Matt said, sitting back in his chair.

Logan grinned. “A few.”

He saw Matt nod.“Now tell me more about thischange. How has this affected your life?”

“It was as if someone flipped a switch, and while I could still see, all the sounds I used to take for granted were gone. I refused to talk because I couldn’t monitor my voice. I would get violently dizzy at a moment’s notice. I've only started voicing again in the last week or so. That may be why I sound a little rusty.” Loganshrugged. "But if you can't understand me, that's your problem, not mine."

"That you now advocate for your communication needs is a big step. I'm glad to see you're taking initiative and striving to improve your situation. However, you just told me what happened. Iasked,how did it make you feel?"

Logan thought about what Matt was asking. He’d recited what had happened in medical terms, he’d explained how it changed his day-to-day living, but now how did all this make him feel? “The day I woke up from the coma was the scariest day of my life. I randomly migrate between hate and despair. Some days, I want to lash out at everyone and everything, and others, I want to curl up in a little ball and never leave the bed. My medicine cabinet would make a junkie cream their pants, and if I skip a dose of one of those tiny colored pills, it feels like I'm on a violent mental rollercoaster.”

“Good.”

“Good? How is this good? I’ve been behaving like some psychotic.”

“I said good because these emotions are appropriate and real. If you’d said the hearing loss and repercussions hadn’t affected you onebit,then I would be worried. We’ll continue to work through your conflictions as we progress. As for the medications, I'm going to review your list and dosages. We don't want to take you off the pills, but maybe we can find a better balance. Did the event that caused your hearing loss also force your discharge from the Rangers?”

“Yes. A day after I woke up, a one star visited me in the hospital. Handed me a piece of paper that said thank you for my service to the country, and informed me I would go home as soon as I was stable. He saluted me, then turned and walked away. I guess that was the Army’s version of a polite kiss off.”

“That had to be difficult. How long were you in the service?”

“Fifteen years. I joined when we were twenty. Gave them gallons of my sweat, quarts of my blood, and even shed a few tears when nobody was looking. But the second it became known that I was part of the dent and ding stock, they shipped me back, return to sender.”

“You said ‘when we were twenty’. Whose we?”

“Clay and I. He’s my roommate, foster brother and best friend. When I enlisted, we had just finished our sophomore year at UMass.”

“Did Clay enlist as well?”

“No, Clay stayed in school. I left.”

Logan wondered if Matt could detect the hesitance and tension with that last comment. He wasn't sure if his voice inflections were the same as before he lost his hearing. Logan had hoped they could avoid the topic of his and Clay’s relationship for a little longer.

“Let’s switch gears a little and talk about the PTSD. What symptoms do you have or events have you experienced?”

“They told me the PTSD was normal after surviving the attack. I don’t feel very normal most of the time. I have nightmares almost nightly and flashbacks. A few weeks ago I … I had one while running errands. They called the cops on me.”

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