Page 27 of Capturing Perfection

Logan forcibly halted the response, steamrolling through his system. Clay lay beneath him. Logan's kisses had swollen Clay's lips; desire clouded his eyes; and beneath Logan's hand, Clay's heart pounded like a thoroughbred at Churchill Downs. This man’s heart belonged to him. Clay’s kiss warmed his blood, and his touch healed Logan’s soul.

Without Clay, Logan would have slipped into nothingness after his discharge. He’d come so close to losing himself within the pity and pain. Only with Clay’s support had he had the courage to fight against the anxiety, terror, and guilt. Only in Clay’s arms had he come home again.

“Not a rag doll, no. But definitely mine. Of that you can be absolutely certain.”

Clay wrapped his hand around Logan’s neck and pulled him close so their foreheads touched. “I’ve been yours for twenty years, Logan. All you had to do was claim me.”

Logan's breath stalled in his lungs. He knew Clay spoke of not only when he’d run away, but the years before as well. He slid off Clay’s body and lay next to him. They turned on their sides to face each other. Logan scrunched up his face as the microphones of his processors scraped across the pillow. He propped his head up on one hand and rested the other on Clay’s hip.

“I guess it’s time to talk about what was going on in my head back then.”

“You know I’ll listen, if you wanna talk. But I don’t need to hear it.”

“I think I need to say it. I’ve talked a lot about my childhood and its effects with others. First, DFC and the assigned therapists in the group home, then Matt, but I’ve never told you the entire story.” He caressed the side of Clay’s face. The rasp of his unshaven face scrapped across his palm. “The one person who means the most knows the least, and that’s not right.”

“Would it help if I told you what I do know and you can fill in the blanks?”

Logan shrugged. He didn’t know if anything would make this easier.Maybe if I just start from the beginning.

So he did. He told Clay everything he'd shared with Matt and a few details more. Clay’s hand landed on his hip and Logan used the touch as a center. He wouldn’t allow himself to slip further into the darkness.

“When the police showed up at the hospital, I was barely conscious. I laid in that ER by myself, bloody and broken until time ceased to matter. Some social worker came by occasionally, but I mostly ignored her. I know she was only doing her job and trying to be helpful, but I just didn't have the mental capacity to engage. They eventually moved me to a room, and the copscame back. I gave a statement, and they arrested my dad for the assault."

"Did you tell them about the abuse, too?"

Logan shook his head. "Not then. It all eventually came out. They subjected me to head-to-toe exams. I was required to give blood and hair samples. It was … humiliating."

Clay leaned in and gave Logan a soft kiss. They shifted around so Logan could rest his head on Clay's chest. He couldn't see Clay's face anymore, but maybe that was a good thing for this part.

"The cops came back, and I had to answer every question you can imagine. When did it start? How often did it happen? What did he do to me? They pulled up the report on my mother's death. That started a whole new set of questions. You should have seen the cops' faces when I described to them exactly what my mom looked like when I found her body. It had been years, and I still recalled the smell of her blood and how cold her skin felt on my fingers when I tried to shake her awake. Anyway, when I was strong enough to leave the hospital, DFC moved me into the group home. That's where I camped out until they moved me over to Carol and Jack's."

Logan felt Clay's chest rumble, and he heard his voice, but didn't quite understand the words. He lifted his head. "Can you say that again? I heard you, but guess my super-ears need a bit more of a workout before they're effective."

"You never really talked about your experience in the group home. What was it like? I never spent time in one after I entered the system."

Logan shrugged. "Not bad. Not great either. The staff did their best, but I always felt like it was a holding pen for the kids that even foster parents didn't want or, like in my case, had issues that made them unplaceable. I didn't make any friends, but thenagain, I didn't care to try. When I landed in the Shelby’s, I had no expectations of anything changing. Then I met you.”

He sat up to lean against the padded headboard attached to the wall and met Clay's gaze. They had darkened, and Logan saw the riot of emotions swirling in their gray depths. Clay’s eyes so often reminded him of thunderstorm clouds, the intensity brewing before the atmosphere broke, the snap and crackle as they unleashed their awesome power and finally the calm after the storm. When they made love, Logan used Clay’s eyes as a barometer. Without being able to hear, Logan used every available means to judge where Clay was during the experience. The energy in Clay’s eyes consistently told Logan all he needed to know.

He bent over and gave Clay a kiss.

“The first day, you came skidding into the Shelby’s kitchen in your socks with your backpack still slung over your shoulder. Carol had just placed a plate of cookies and milk in front of me. You snagged one off the plate, and she yelled at you. The biggest smile I’d ever seen on another human being came across your face, and you said?”

“Brothers always share,” Clay finished.

Logan nodded. “Your smile unlocked something inside me that day. Something I’d forgotten. I remembered what it meant to be a kid, and the deadly duo was born,” Logan said, smiling.

“The two of us came to the Shelby’s with demons on our backs. In my case, my dad mostly forgot or ignored my existence after my mom split. The only time he addressed me was when he ordered me to go get him some more Jack or hit me when I got in his way while he had his drunk on. Social services were called when I passed out at school during gym class because I hadn’t eaten in a few days. I was lucky. The Shelby's house was my first placement. When you came along, I figured my prayers had beenanswered. Not only had fate brought me a brother, but a best friend.”

“When did it change for you?”

“Nothing changed, Logan. It just deepened. I started looking forward to your smiles and your touches, no matter how innocent. I started dreaming of something more, but because of where you’d come from, I knew it’d never happen. When you ran, I thought my confession had turned you against me. I thought you saw me as your father.”

“No, Clay, I ran because … because you said we could never be together. I thought you had caught on tomyfeelings and were too disgusted by my past to ever want what was left of me.” Logan saw the hurt and confusion in Clay’s eyes. “In my mind, the most logical solution was escape.”

“I thought you said you ran because you weren’t ready to deal with having a sexual relationship?”

“That’s also true. What can I say? I was screwed up.”

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