Page 13 of Capturing Perfection

Matt held out a box of tissues and Logan lifted his hand to find his cheeks wet. He hadn't even realized he'd been crying as he described his childhood. He took the tissue and stepped away to dry his eyes and blow his nose. Thankfully, Matt was silent while Logan collected himself. He turned back toward the chair and found a bottle of water waiting for him. He uncapped the bottle and took a long drink.

"I'm good."

"We've unpacked a lot today. There's still time in our session. Do you want to keep going, or have your reached your limit."

"Honestly, I know that what I shared was new to you, but like I said, I've been down this part of the journey before. My childhood was a nightmare. There's no way around that, but I came to you because I need help with the PTSD from my time in the service and frankly needed an objective ear and mind to talk out my feelings about Clay and what to do."

"Okay then. Tell me about your first positive sexual experience."

"I don't even remember his name. I'd run from Clay into the arms of the Army. I'd made it through basic and advanced training. One of my sergeants put the bug in my ear that I should apply for Ranger school. In order to do that, you have to survive RASP."

"What's that?"

"Ranger Assessment and Selection Program. Eight weeks of mental and physical tests to see if you have the fortitude to make the grade. It was adrenaline fueled torture, and I loved every second. Then the real fun began. Over the sixty days of Ranger School the Army takes you over mountains and deep into swamps. Our motto is Rangers lead the way, and that is what they teach you. We trained our bodies and minds to endure and overcome any obstacle we might face. Anyway, it was the night of graduation and I went out with some of the other candidates. I caught the eye of this guy across the bar and we did the whole 'are you interested' dance."

"So by that time you were comfortable in saying you're gay? What had changed from the time you left Clay until then?"

"Do you know how many times I've asked myself that same question? I haven't figured out an answer yet. All I know is that when Clay came out to me, I panicked. Everything I said to him that day made it seem like I was disgusted about him wantingto have sex with another guy. I know that. However, despite all the shit my father put me through, I still craved a man's touch, and that … god that fucked me up good for a long time. When I saw that guy across the bar, I think I finally had reached a point where I jumped into the deep end to see what happened. Either I'd get over my hangups and become a functional sexual being or I'd put my dick away and get on with my life."

"I take it things went well?"

Logan smiled. "I still use my dick. In fact, I went through a period when I kind of became one too. I'd fuck any guy interested, then walk away. I was up front with them. Never made promises that what we'd have would be anything more than a one nighter, but it wasn't until I hooked up with Adams several years later I allowed myself to form a connection with a guy beyond a physical one."

"Adams was your teammate. The one killed in action?"

"He was my best friend that I occasionally slept with. We formed a weird symbiotic bond where he stood in for who I really wanted and vice versa." Logan smirked. "I'm sure as a licensed mental health professional there's a bit of drool leaking out, wanting to dice me up and analyze my brain for those choices."

"I leave the dicing to the surgeons and psychopaths. We all make choices that, upon later reflection, seem … questionable or unhealthy. However, sometimes those same choices open doors that lead to tremendous personal growth. How did your relationship with Adam's change you?"

"He encouraged, oh fuck it, he forced me to face my feelings for Clay. He talked about this guy back home that he really liked but was a total homebody. Adams had left for basic training and broken things off because he knew there was no way the man would follow him, but always regretted it. I told him about how I regretted running away, and making Clay think I hated him forall those years. One night, we made a pact to fix our wrongs. Ten hours later, I had his brains on my blouse and my world became silent, except for this incessant ringing."

"So here we are. You're mourning your friend, grieving the loss of your hearing, and navigating how to rebuild a friendship."

"Should keep you in top shelf whiskey for a while, right?"

"I'm more of a pinot noir man."

"To-ma-to. To-mah-do. Think you can fix me?"

"I don't fix people. I help people fix themselves. This is going to be messy and often painful. I'll force you to be honest and we'll dig deep into some scared over wounds. You'll probably hate me at times, but ultimately, the work you put in will help you heal."

"Challenge accepted, doc."

Chapter Seven

The fall leaves crunched underfoot as Logan walked towards the T station from Matt’s office. In the three months since he began therapy, his life had transformed. With Matt’s help, he now had a much better handle on the PTSD. Case in point, his ability to get around Boston alone without paralyzing fear. His anxiety still spiked occasionally, and nightmares lingered, but less frequently. The grounding techniques Matt had taught him provided a way for Logan to stabilize panic attacks before they got out of control. The flashbacks happened so quickly that he couldn’t prevent them, but he hadn’t had one—as intense as in the bakery—in two months.

Through their discussions, he’d determined that the most common trigger for the flashbacks was seeing people around him that reminded him of former platoon members. They'd talked a lot more about Adams than Logan ever expected. Logan had always referred to Adams as his best friend with benefits, but with Matt's help, Logan actually realized somewhere alongthe line his heart had gotten invested beyond friendship, making the attack that much more traumatic. Their discussions over several sessions delved into Logan's progression from a survivor of sexual abuse to someone disinterested in sex, and finally embracing his sexuality. He and Matt had spent hours dissecting the complex web of his father’s abuse, the weight of each memory palpable in the air as they explored how it had warped his understanding of romantic and casual relationships. Even though Logan felt he was doing better, he knew the journey in recovery was far from over. In fact, it wasn’t difficult to suspect that the hardest discussions were ahead of them.

The hours spent with Matt had been far from easy. Logan had spent more time crying in the last three months than he had in the last thirty years of his life. Matt was always fantastic about making sure he was stable before kicking him out of the office. Then Logan would take his red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks home to Clay. He knew Clay was curious about what he and Matt talked about, but he never pushed. Some nights, Logan would feed Clay a little piece of information like ‘We talked about the attack today’, and sometimes, he would look Clay in the eyes and then say, ‘It wasn’t a good day. Can we just chill out tonight?’ On those days Clay would break out the Ben and Jerry’s, cue up Netflix and they’d vegetate on the couch ‘til Logan felt his equilibrium restored.

In today’s session, Matt had asked Logan if he was ready to talk to Clay about his sexuality. Logan had thought for a long time before shrugging his shoulders. They’d discussed what reservations he had about being honest with Clay. All Logan could come up with was that he was afraid. If he told Clay the truth, would he look Logan in the eye, call him a hypocrite and walk away? Matt advised him of the possibility, but had challenged him to consider if living a lie was better?

Matt had asked Logan if his love for Clay was true. Predictably, Logan had gotten very defensive and blasted Matt with anger. Once he’d settled down, he’d discovered tears running down his cheeks, as he confessed to being terrified of losing the bond he and Clay had rebuilt in the last few months.

Now, as Logan walked home, he pondered Matt’s statement before leaving the office.You never get an answer to a question never posed. So Logan had to decide. From his perspective, he had two options. The first was to confess his sexuality to Clay but keep his love a secret. The second was to say a prayer and confess all, hoping against hope that somewhere deep inside Clay there would be the ability to not only forgive Logan for leaving under the conditions he had, but to return the love beating in his heart.

The tram came to a stop at the Broadway station and he exited the car. His and Clay’s apartment was only a few blocks away. The time to decide was closing in. Despite the chill in the fall air, his hands sweated and his normally quick pace faltered when their building appeared. He saw Clay’s car parked out front, and he stood still for a moment. His gaze traveled up and caught the sight of Clay standing in the window watching, waiting for him to get home. Clay’s hand rose in greeting and waved him home. Even from this distance, he saw the smile on Clay’s face when their eyes met, and in that moment, he had his answer.

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