Page 60 of The Good Boy

“Oh, well, I’m okay,” Rory says. He pauses. “I mean, I was okay. I thought I had everything mapped out. I knew exactly what my life was going to be like and then one day I woke up and everything had changed. I meaneverything. I didn’t fit in my own skin anymore. And nobody warned me or asked me if it would be okay. And now here I am. Trying to work out how to live with this for the rest of my life.”

My heart aches as I listen to him talk. He tries to be brave, he really does. But he doesn’t want this life that I’ve plunged him into. I have ruined everything for the creature that found a way to love and support me, even after everything he went throughbefore I rescued him. I ruined it all, and then I just gave up trying to fix it because it all got a bit hard. What kind of a person am I?

The others in the circle nod and murmur in agreement.

“I felt like that when I realized I was gay and in love with my dentist,” one man says. “Seventeen fillings I’ve had.”

“I think we’ve all felt a bit like that from time to time,” Fred says. “I know I have.”

“Have you?” Rory asks with genuine disbelief. “What did you use to be before this?”

“A provider,” Fred says with a nod. “A Sunday-league footballer, defensive position. A husband and a dad who took care of his family, no questions asked. And then the cancer knocked all that out of me. It kicked me from here to Hull and back. Suddenly I had no choice but to be weak, to need help, and that frightened me more than the thought of dying did.” Fred smiles at everyone in the group in turn as they nod along with every word he says. “I’ve had to rebuild who I am from the ground up, to realize that the people who loved the man I used to be still love me now. Because I am more than just a paycheck or a header into a goal on a Sunday morning. And that’s why I started this club. For every other bloke who needs to learn how to talk about what’s going on inside.”

“Yeah,” Rory says. “I think it’s a bit of indigestion right now. I ate eleven doughnuts. We had to follow Dave before I could finish them.”

“Kelly’s got no regard for a man’s doughnuts when she’s got her mind set on something,” Dave says, glancing at me.

“What about you, Dave?” Fred asks. “Last week you said you thought you might be ready to talk today? No pressure, mate, but if you’re ready we’re here for you.”

Dave sighs, shaking his head. His shoulders tremble.

“It’s okay, Dave,” Rory says. “It’s actually all right when you realize you are not the only one who’s turned into something they don’t recognize.”

Dave takes a deep shuddering breath.

“I feel like a fake,” he says at last. “Like I shouldn’t really be here. I’ve heard you all talking about what you’re dealing with. And there’s nothing really wrong with me. The business is doing okay. We’re not rich, but we’ve got all we need. My kids are great, healthy and happy.” Dave looks at me and swallows. “I love my wife so much, and I know she loves me. But something bad happened. I don’t even know what, really. Something bad happened, and now I’m walking around like an empty shell. Like whatever used to be me, the bloke who enjoyed the taste of food, or paddling in the sea. Or laughing with the kids. Making love to his wife...” Dave rubs his hands across his face. “He’s gone and I don’t know how to get him back.”

His whole body shakes with tears as the others in the group gather around him, hands on his shoulders. Soft words of comfort and support are spoken gently. These people need their privacy. I catch Rory’s eye and mouth that I’m going to wait outside for him. Very quietly I back out of the door and close it as softly as I can.

Everything is OK, I text Kelly.It’s not what you think. Dave will explain. Out soon.

About twenty minutes later I hear a ripple of laughter and the sound of applause. Five minutes after that the doors open and the members of Fred’s Man Club file out, chatting and laughing with one another. No sign of Rory and Dave yet, though.

Fred comes out and smiles at me.

“Your lad did grand,” he says “Better than grand, actually. He had a few interesting things to say.”

“About cheese?”

“He does recommend cheese for most things, yes.” Fred chuckles. “He’s still in there, actually, talking with Dave. I thought I’d give them a minute, but then I’ll need to come and lock up.”

“Right. Thanks, Fred.” I knock on the door and Rory calls me in.

“So, is this a sting, then?” Dave asks me sheepishly. “I knew Kelly would be on the case sooner or later.”

“Kelly’s outside,” I say. “She thought you were leaving her. She’s been in a mess, Dave.”

“I know,” Dave confesses. “I knew but even though I never wanted her to feel like that I couldn’t seem to do anything about it. I’ve been feeling like I’m stuck in mud. I couldn’t even tell her what was going on. I felt... ashamed.”

“There’s no shame in being overwhelmed by life, buddy,” Rory says, resting a hand on Dave’s shoulder. “Itisbloody overwhelming.”

“But I’m supposed to be the strong one,” Dave says.

“You are the bloody strong one,” Kelly says as she reaches the top of the staircase.

“Why do you look like Geri Halliwell?” Dave asks her.

“I’m in disguise, obviously,” Kelly says. “Oh, Dave, I thought I’d lost you!”

---