Page 15 of The Good Boy

“First strangers give me chips and now this! Maybe this isn’t the worst day of my life!” Rory says, offering up a high five.

I taught him that trick.

“So, where is Nan?” I ask Mum as she hands me a cup of tea. “The shop’s closed. She wasn’t answering her flat bell.” It has belatedly occurred to me, given her advanced years, that she might need her front door broken down, but Nanna Maria has always seemed invincible to me.

“She’s had the day off for a tryst in Whitby, at the posh B andB she likes so much,” Mum says. “I’m going down later to open up for a bit, do some tarot readings.”

“What sort of a tryst?” I ask.

“The standard sort,” Mum says, “lots of casual sex with a virtual stranger. Would you like a cup of tea?”

“Do you have anything stronger?” I ask.

“You are driving, madam,” she says. “I’ll make you a coffee. Tea for you, Miles? No milk, you’re lactose intolerant.”

“Yes, how did you know?” Miles asks.

“Well, I have known you for half your life, dear,” Mum says, pursing her lips at me.

Rory has had four chocolate digestive biscuits and somehow managed to curl up his long limbs into a ball to fall asleep in my dad’s chair. Mum gives Miles a cup of tea, smiling at him fondly.

“Look at you,” she says to Miles. “Your gran would be so proudof you. All grown-up and tall and so handsome! And you’re head geologist at the Rotunda Museum. Digging up dinosaurs and rocks. I’m proud of you too, Miles. You’ve come a long way since that shy skinny little kid that used to come round for his tea.”

Back in the day, my house was our house. Mum and Dad’s and mine. Mum and Miles’s gran were really good friends, and Miles spent a lot of time in our house. Those were good days. It was overcrowded, and we never had much, but then again, we never went without. When I think about those days I am always smiling.

Then Dad won some money on the lottery after Mum randomly guessed the right numbers... (Goddamnit, why didn’t I notice my family was magic?) Anyway, they weren’t millionaires after that, but they won enough to buy a little place with a sea view, right under the castle, if they sold our old place. So, I got a mortgage and I bought the old house off them. I couldn’t quite bear to let it go. It was the place I have felt happiest in my life, and I sort of believed that if I stayed there that feeling might come back again one day. And it does now and then; when Rory and I are chilling out on the sofa eating biscuits and watching David Attenborough, that’s when it still feels the most like home.

But having human Rory’s head in my lap is a whole different proposition and I am not here for it.

“There must be a cure or something,” I say. “Apart from the whole chips and chocolate situation Rory hasn’t shown any enthusiasm for life as a human. He’s positively against it. And I’m not keen about having a... human as a pet. I mean the ethical considerations alone...”

“Your nanna explained the rules to you!” Mum says. “If you’d been listening, you would have realized that once the wish hasbeen made it cannot be reversed under any circumstances. And that’s not ideal, is it?”

“Yeah, but... not really, right?” I say. “There’ll be a get-out clause, right? Kiss a frog or something?”

“Be very careful about what you wish for,” Mum says infuriatingly, looking at Miles, who shrugs in commiseration.

“Yeah, okay, I didn’t take it seriously. I’ve learned my lesson. I one hundred percent believe in the family magic now.” I hold my hands up to illustrate my point. “So, Nanna Maria can reverse it, right?”

“No, darling, I don’t think so. Mum has always said that it’s ancient magic that stretches back to the dawn of time. I don’t think there are any cheat codes.” She looks at Rory, who snores and farts simultaneously. “You were a dog mum. Now it looks like you are a man mum.”

“Excuse me?” I say.

“I know he’s a great big lump of hot, sexy man,” Mum says, rather terrifyingly, “but he is also your child now. You are the only parent he has ever known. The only kind one, anyway. You need to look after him. Teach him how to cope in the world now that his whole life has changed overnight. Help him learn how to be a human being. That’s what mums do, darling. Though you are a work in progress.”

“But... but... but... but... but... but... but... but...” That’s it, I’ve finally broken.

“Would you like another biscuit, Miles?” Mum asks as I continue to malfunction.

“No, thank you, Rita,” Miles says, patting his six-pack like he’s got a dad bod, which he hasn’t.

“Lovely manners you’ve got,” Mum says.

“Thank you,” Miles replies. “Mum always said manners maketh the man.”

“I quite agree...” Mum nods. “I’m always saying that, aren’t I?”

“THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING TO ME!” I shout, standing up. Miles jumps and Rory sits up abruptly.

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