Page 164 of Terror at the Gates

He dug the heels of his palms into his eyes. “I just feel guilty. He’s all I have left of her, and I’m going to fuck him up.”

“You’re not going to fuck him up,” I said. “Anyone would feel overwhelmed by this.”

Ifelt overwhelmed, and I’d only heard a minute of those keen cries. On top of that, he was grieving.

He was quiet, sitting with his hands in his lap.

“I just,” he said, taking a few stuttering breaths, “really miss her, you know? And there are days when I don’t think I can do this without her, when I don’twantto do it, and I feel so guilty, because who thinks that while holding their fucking newborn?”

I shifted so I could sit beside him and took his hand.

“I think a lot of people feel that way,” I said. “Having a baby is a big change, and you’re doing this without the love of your life. No one’s expecting you to be okay.”

There was a quiet lull while Gabriel worked to control his breathing.

“The night Esther died,” I said, “Zahariev made me promise I would tell him if I didn’t want to be here anymore. He asked me to give him a chance to bring me back. Can I ask the same from you?”

He looked at me. His eyes were swollen and almost shut.

“Yes,” he said. “Of course I would tell you.”

“Thank you,” I whispered, because I couldn’t speak any louder. My mouth was quivering, and my eyes were blurry. I tried to hide it by resting my head on his shoulder, but I gave myself away when I sniffled.

“Not you too, baby girl,” he said, adjusting so thathis arm was around my shoulder. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

I wiped my eyes but to no avail.

“It’s not you,” I said. “Everything’s just sad.”

“Oh, not everything,” he said. “I saw that kiss Zahariev gave you, and I don’t think I’m wrong in assuming you were together last night with the way you both came walking in.”

My face flushed.

“Wow, why does this feel so embarrassing?”

He laughed. “I’m not trying to embarrass you,” he said. “I’m happy for you. Esther would be too. She always said this would happen.”

“That what would happen?”

“You and Z,” he said. “I was the one who had doubts.”

“Why did you have doubts?”

“I just didn’t think he would put you in that kind of situation,” he said. “You know as well as I do he won’t be the one to suffer any consequences if you’re found out.”

“Zahariev didn’t put me in this situation,” I said. “We chose it.”

“I know,” he said.

“Do you think we’re wrong?” I asked after a quiet moment. I whispered the words, feeling too guilty to speak them any louder.

“No, baby girl,” he said. “Nothing’s ever wrong when it’s love.”

***

I spent a while with Gabriel until he decided he should probably take a shower. I left to check on Zahariev. He was in the living room with Liam, who was now asleep on his chest.

“Hey,” I said quietly.

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