Page 35 of Waiting for Sunshine

When I walk back through the kitchen door that leads out to the bar, I just about jump out of my skin. Max is standing there in all his sexiness, wearing a navy blue hoodie, light wash jeans, and a backward baseball cap again, holding an iced coffee. Only, Max doesn’t drink iced coffee. I move my headphones down from my ears and place them around my neck.

“Sorry, I called your name but I’m guessing you didn’t hear me.” He says, pointing to the headphones on my neck.

“Yeah, the noise canceling part is definitely intact.” I quip. “Is uh, that for me?” I nod to the iced coffee in his hand and smile.

“Um, yeah. I stopped to get one before Tucker and I head to the range and pulled around back to see if you were here painting. I figured you might be and thought you could use some caffeine.” He answers, handing me the coffee.

He had become familiar with my order ever since I teased him about bringing me one the day he told me to meet him at the gym. I didn’t actually expect him to, but he brought me one that day, and every gym day since then. Today was unexpected though.

“Thanks, I will never say no to coffee.” I take a sip.Perfection.

“Anyways, I’ll get going so you can get back to it.” He says, turning to walk out the door.

“Actually,” I call after him, making him turn back around. “Can I show you something?” I point towards the door that leads to the studio.

“Sure.” He nods, following behind me. When we get to the studio I make my way over to set my coffee on the table by my phone. When I turn to face Max, he is looking around the space, taking in the dozens of canvases I have painted since he let me start using the space.

“Sorry, it’s a bit of a mess. When I get inspired I just kind of toss one to the side and start with the new inspiration.” I explain.

He walks over to me, standing in front of the canvas I had been working on this morning. The one inspired by Max’s afflictions with his own feelings. I watch his face as his eyes roam over the piece. I always wondered if people who weren’t artists could see the depth and meaning behind paintings the way that we could. It seems as though something is resonating with him as he reaches out to touch the paint.

“Oh, umm. This one is still wet.” I warn a little too late. He looks down and there is red paint on his fingertip. He smirks and wipes it on the tip of my nose.

“This is incredible, Sunshine.” He says, motioning towards the painting.

“I um - I made this one for you.” I shyly tell him. He glances over at me, looking surprised.

“For me? Why?” he asks.

I look around the open space, surrounded by paintings that were inspired by the feelings I have experienced since I got back to Nashville. I think about how a lot of them are because of Max. I hate the idea that he’s built up a wall, not allowing himself to experience love for fear of pain. I figure now is as good a time as any to tell him the truth about why I painted this piece for him.

“When you took me to the cemetery, you let me into a part of your world that I get the feeling you don’t let anyone else into.” I start.

“That would be correct.” He confirms.

“Well, when I told you about what happened to my parents, I let you into a part of my world that I don’t talk about with anyone. Not even Taylor, Leah, or Lauren. I haven’t spoken about that day with anyone since it happened.” I admit. He just nods to let me know he’s listening.

“We’ve both suffered great losses, and while I will never pretend to know what it’s like to lose someone who is like a brother to a battle that he was supposed to come back from, I also won’t pretend my loss hurt any less than yours. You said your mom was your hero. My parents were mine, too. I was an only child, and we did everything together. I was supposed to celebrate graduating high school with them, and explore a new city with them. I was supposed to call them every night and tell them how school was going, and tell them about all the places I couldn’t wait to take them when they’d visit me. I was robbed of those experiences the day I lost them.

“There were plenty of days I didn’t want to keep going. I didn’t want to experience a life where I didn’t get to celebrate the big moments with my parents. But I remembered something my mom always told me. When I was young and I had the fear every child has of losing their parents, she would tell me,

‘Shane, parents are never meant to outlive their children. While it may hurt to think about living a life without me, just know – that’s what I want for you someday. In the future, when you’re chasing your dreams I hope I’m right there chasing them with you, but I may not be able to continue the journey with you. But you’re going to go on. You’re going to keep chasing those dreams, living your life, and experiencing love, and hurt, and excitement and disappointment. Because without those things, life wouldn’t be worth living, and you, my girl – are going to live a life worth living over and over again.’

That played in my mind again and again, until one day I got out a canvas, and painted all the pain I had felt from losing them. I let myself feel all the pain, the grief, the anger, I took it out on a canvas. And you know what happened?”

“What happened, Sunshine?” Max says tightly.

“I finally felt like I could breathe again. I reflected on the pain and the hurt, to be able to move forward. Once I did I was able to remember all the good times, the life lessons, the jokes, and the memories I know they would want me to hold onto. One day, it just got easier to share things with them in my heart, even when I wished I was telling them over the phone. I didn’t stop living my life, because even with pain and loss and grief, life is something worth living. I still have Taylor, Leah, Lauren, and now Tucker apparently,” I laugh out, making Max laugh too. “And you, hopefully. Maybe you’ll never let yourself give in to the feelings you have for me, that’s your decision to make. But I won’t pretend mine don’t exist. I really like you Max, and I hope one day you’ll let me in completely. But if all I ever get to be is your friend, I’ll count myself lucky. I just don’t want you to miss out on an epic love because you’re afraid.” I take his face in my hands, the scruff from his perfectly chiseled jaw tickling my palms.

“You don’t want to love someone as fucked up as me, Sunshine.” He says. His voice is gruff and tears well in his eyes.

“I’m not scared to love you, Max. I’m scared you’ll never give me the chance to.” I admit. My phone dings three times in a row as Max’s goes off too. I walk over to the stool and pick up my phone.

Taylor

I’m not going to argue, But I don’t believe you. He’s so into you.

Lauren

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