Page 34 of Waiting for Sunshine

“I’m so sorry that you endured such a great loss at such a young age.” She lets out one final sob and I stand there holding her tight to me while she lets herself feel it all.

She takes a deep breath in, and I loosen my grip on her slightly, not wanting to let her go, or push her away. I want her to know I’ll be here until she doesn’t need me to be anymore. She leans back to look at my face, her ocean eyes shining from the tears, accompanied by the puffy redness from her grief.

“Thank you, Max.” She says, her voice raspy from crying. She leans her head back into my chest, and we stand there. For as long as she needs.

CHAPTER16

SHANE

I took a deep breath in,breathing inhim.He smelled woodsy with traces of leather and vanilla. I felt peaceful, calm, and safe, standing there, in the middle of a cemetery, with Max holding me. This was the second time his embrace calmed every nerve in my body so effortlessly, and I loved it. When his grip softened, not completely releasing me, I looked up at his face.

I stood there noticing all the depth there is to this man. He’d seemed like such a grump the first day I met him outside that coffee shop. But in this moment I can’t help but think about how he has cared for me, on several occasions, noting the way I felt comfortable enough to open up to him about my parents, something I’veneverdone in the seven years they’ve been gone.

The way he looks happiest with Riley, and the fact that he opens his bar to those who have nowhere else to go on the holidays, but lets his employees off to be with their families. The way he makes sure my friends are taken care of when creepy assholes show up at the bar. How he just keeps showing up and doing things for me that no one else does. I think he cares about more people than he’s willing to admit.

* * *

The next week I spent as much time as I could painting. When I wasn’t working at the bar or working out with Max and Tucker, who had become a regular in our sessions, I was in front of a canvas. Painting has always been my outlet. I channel everything I am feeling into my paintings, letting my emotions take the lead. I used it a lot to cope after my parents died. It’s a good thing I was going to college to major in art, otherwise, I’m not sure that I would have actually gone.

This week's paintings are variations of heat, grief, desire, and safety. Things with Max felt so complicated on the one hand, with his grumpiness, aversion to feelings and basically telling me he wants me but won’t take me for fear he’ll lose me. On the other hand, they were simple for all the same reasons. I had suffered a great loss in life, but I never once thought shutting out my feelings would be the way to go.

I kept living my life, open to the possibility of love, even if it meant I’d end up hurt in the end. That’s just part of life, isn’t it? With no pain, there can be no love. Whereas Max has suffered great losses as well, only instead of coping with his pain, it seems he pushes it away. Building up walls around his heart fearing that if someone gets in, he’ll lose them and end up hurt again.

I feel lucky that he was comfortable enough to open up to me, even as little as it was, about losing his mom and Red. I still have so many questions – I want to know so much more. I am hopeful that one day he will let me in completely. That I will be the one lucky enough to help him through the pain and show him that there can be life and love after loss. But I also don’t want to lose the friendship we are developing by pushing him. My desire for him will have to lay dormant until he is ready to take that step, if he ever was.

These canvases didn’t stand a fucking chance right now.

I have my headphones in and an empty bottle of water in my hand as I stand back, examining the piece I just finished. My phone alerts me through my headphones that I have messages coming in.

Taylor

are we still going to the bar for NYE?

Lauren

oh please say we are, I need to see how sexy boss acts around Shaney.

My whole body tingles when I remember the way it felt as he held me and when he’d told me he wanted me.

Leah

Maybe he’ll just take you right there on the pool tables and call it done.

My best friends are assholes.

Me

You guys are insane.

Having three best friends around all the time was a blessing and a curse because, for one, they know everything, but also, they knoweverything.I have kept them all well-informed when it comes to Max. From his protecting me the night of the robbery to how he comforted me on Christmas when I opened up to him about my parents. Which I think shocked them all the most because they’re all well aware of the fact that it’s a topic Inevertalk about.

Taylor had gotten back in town three days ago from visiting her family for Christmas and insisted we have girls' night to discuss my life. The woman has to be a robot. She partied with us on the 23rd, caught a flight on the 24th, and was back home on the 27th hosting girls' night. Now she’s ready to party it up again tomorrow? Couldn’t be me.

Me

But yes, I mean I’m working so I have to be there and I wanna spend NYE together, even if I’m serving your fine asses while in my uniform. & honestly IDK what’s going on with Max…

I set my phone on the small table by the easel and walk down to the kitchen to refill my water bottle, my headphones still playing loudly in my ears. It’s almost 10 AM, so no one will be opening the bar for at least another hour so I have plenty of time to pack up and slip out before they come in. It isn’t a secret that I paint here, I just prefer leaving before it gets busy. People tend to ask a lot of questions about what I’m working on and I usually just like to keep it to myself. Though I did kind of want to showoneperson what I’ve been working on today.

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