Page 44 of Find Me in California

“It won’t happen again.”

“It will happen again.”

She looked past him at the wall reflected in the mirror. She couldn’t meet his eyes even though she knew he spoke the truth. It had happened before. Mama Rose had been violent with her on a few occasions, pulling Julia’s hair or shoving her for no reason. As the disease progressed, it would happen again, and more frequently.

“You’re right. I know that. It’s just ... I feel like I’m abandoning her. That I’m giving up on caring for her when she spent her life caring for me.”

“You aren’t doing us any favors keeping her here, your grandmother included.”

Julia’s mouth opened only to clamp shut. She didn’t have anything to say to that.

At her silence, Nolan continued, “It’s her or me, Jules. One of us needs to move out.”

Her eyes snapped up to meet his. Pain and resolve hardened his expression. She expected the pain, but the resolve? Fear skittered across her nape.

“What do you mean, exactly?”

“I mean, if you don’t move her into assisted living, I’m moving out. I can’t live like this.”

A match lit inside her. The nerve of him to make her choose. “Well, excuse me for wanting to take care of her.”

“Without any regard for yourself? Do you plan to quit your job and stay with her all day?”

“No.”

“Then hire a nurse. Or find her a place where you’ll both be happy and comfortable.”

They stared at each other. Julia crossed her arms and glanced away. She couldn’t make herself agree.

Nolan exhaled with frustration and left the bathroom.

“Where are you going?” She followed him into their room, the room she’d grown up in. He dragged his suitcase from under the bed and stalked to the closet. “What are you doing?”

“Since you can’t make the decision, I’m making it for you.” He pulled a clean shirt over his head and grabbed an armful of clothes.

“You’re leaving me?”

He didn’t look at her. He kept packing, going from the closet to the bed and back.

Her heart raced. “Nolan, no. Let’s talk about this.”

“We have. I’ve tried.” He finally looked at her, and she shamefully couldn’t meet his eyes. He’d brought Mama Rose’s condition up on plenty of occasions. But she’d rejected, deflected, and ignored his pleas because she was in denial. Her mother had left her. Her grandmother was going to leave her too. She had no idea who her father was other than a blank line on her birth certificate. She had thought she’d have Nolan, but—

“Look, honey,” she pleaded. “I know it’s been tough—”

“It’s been painful, Jules. And I’m not just talking about her hitting me.” He gestured at his torn cheek, and she cringed. “You’ve given up so much for her, I have to wonder at what cost.”

“She gave up years for me. She raised me because my mother dumped me on her.” And now it was Julia’s turn to take care of her.

His eyes softened. “I know that. But you dropped out of college for her, and you’ve cut back on your hours. You don’t keep in touch with any friends from school. And lately”—he straightened from the suitcase and took a breath—“lately I’ve felt that I’m next. That you’re going to give me up.”

“I’d never do that. I love you.”

“That’s why this hurts so much.” He zipped the case and dropped the wheels on the floor, popped the handle.

The match inside her flared with her rage. “Oh, so you’re going to leave me before I leave you?”

“It doesn’t have to be this way.”

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