Page 87 of Find Me in California

She used to believe she’d have all the time in the world with her grandmother. Back when she was a child, this age and this day seemed forever away. Mama Rose would talk to her of angels and fairies and where people went when they died. Once, they’d been sitting knee to knee digging in the dirt in the backyard, planting bulbs that would bloom into daffodils the following spring. A bee had found its way into Julia’s shirt. She could feel its wings beat against her stomach and chest. It buzzed angrily, looking for a way out. Julia was petrified. She’d never been stung by a bee before and she panicked, swatting at her shirt and screaming.

Mama Rose lifted Julia’s shirt and scooped up the bee, which immediately buzzed off to a nearby rose, flapping its wings when it landed on a petal as if it were just as flustered.

Teary eyed, Julia flopped onto the grass and cried, “I never want to garden again.”

“Because of one little bee?” Her grandmother tsked.

Julia nodded, wiping her eyes and getting dirt on her face in the process.

“Bees are our friends. Without them there’d be no flowers.”

“But they’re so mean.”

“Yes, they can be when they’re angry ... or frightened.”

She sniffled. “Bees get scared too?”

“Of course they do. That little bee helps in our garden, so we have to help him. We don’t beat him, or smash him, or give up on him. We love and nurture that little bee, just like Mama Roses love and nurture their little Julias.” Mama Rose squeezed Julia to her bosom and rained kisses on her hair, making her giggle.

Julia remembers wishing at the time that Mama Rose would live forever. She thought that as long as she was living, Julia would never feel unloved, unsafe, or afraid. Mama Rose filled the void her mother had left.

Mama Rose’s hand twitches under Julia’s cheek. Julia lifts her head with a soft gasp. Mama Rose stares at her with clear eyes.

“Mama?” Julia whispers.

“I’m sorry.” Her grandmother’s voice creaks like a door on rusted hinges.

“For what?”

“I was wrong to make you stay away.”

“I’m right here, Mama.”

“I shouldn’t have kept Julia from you.”

Julia’s heart sinks. Mama Rose thinks she’s Lea again. “It’s okay,” Julia says, crestfallen.

“It’s not okay. Julia needed her mother, and I kept you two apart. You lost so much time with her, time I’ll never be able to make up for. I should have given you another chance when you came back for her.”

Julia’s lip quivers as her grandmother’s confession sinks in. “My mom came back for me?”

Mama Rose pats Julia’s hand. “Not much time.”

“No, no, we have time.” Julia tightly clasps Mama Rose’s hand. “You have plenty of time.”

“Julia is going to need you, and she doesn’t know where you are. It’s my fault. You were struggling, and I did nothing to help you. What sort of mother am I? I failed you.”

Julia shakes her head, fighting to maintain her composure. “You didn’t fail me. You were a wonderful mother,” she says, despite knowing it’s not her Mama Rose is talking about.

But Mama Rose doesn’t hear her. She’s fallen back to sleep.

CHAPTER 42

MATT

That afternoon, Matt rings the doorbell of the remodeled ranch home in West Hollywood. Inside, a dog yips with excitement. Nails scratch at the side window, and a wet nose presses to the glass. The dog sees him and wiggles with glee.

Matt wipes his palms on the back of his jeans, not the least surprised to find them damp. He rubs them together and presses a hand to his abdomen below his rib cage to calm his nerves. He follows ringing the doorbell with a knock.

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