Page 61 of Find Me in California

“Of falling in love?” He shakes his head. There’s a flutter of nerves inside his chest at the thought of revealing something he’s hardly admitted to himself, but he’s on a roll and plows over the cliff. “I’m afraid of what happens after. What if I’m not enough for someone to stay?”

He hears a small catch of breath beside him and chances a look at Magnolia. She turns to look at him. Her gaze darts between his eyes,realization bright in hers. “You believe your mom left you because she didn’t love you?”

“Couldn’t love me enough to stay,” he clarifies, his eyes closing as the weed and alcohol suffocate his inhibitions, take control of his brain. “I am unworthy of love.”

A warm hand fits to his cheek again. “Matt.”

His eyes snap open, and confusion clouds his mind. He could have sworn it was Julia’s voice he heard.

Magnolia gently presses a thumb to his lips. “My mom didn’t love me enough to stay with me either. But it doesn’t mean I’m not lovable. Mama Rose showed me that. She loved me as much as any mother could. I’m sorry Liza couldn’t do that for you.”

Again, it’s Julia’s voice coming from Magnolia. He stares at the joint and, as if separated from his body, watches himself stub it out. His pulse pounds in his ear. His breathing shortens. What the fuck is wrong with him?

He takes another swig of Jack.

Fingers gently probe his jaw. He turns back to Magnolia. Her smile grounds him. He comes back into his body.

“Life isn’t worth living if we don’t allow ourselves to love.”

He knows that, because in some ways, he stopped living the day his mom died. He also knows he’s starting to trip, which means he’s done talking.

He leans into her, kissing her, and Magnolia rolls to her back, pulling him over her. Her legs brace his hips, and he sinks into her while somewhere in the room his phone rings and rings and rings.

CHAPTER 29

MAGNOLIABLU

November 11, 1972

You can’t help but love Matty.

Liza’s words couldn’t have been truer. I wish I’d known they also served as a warning. I’m in love with Matty. Even though Liza left to live with a family friend in San Diego and I haven’t heard from her for almost two months, I still feel like I’m betraying her by loving her soon-to-be ex-husband. Matty didn’t go after her when she left. He didn’t profess his undying love. He asked for a divorce.

Matty stays with me every night in the studio. I don’t want him to stop coming to me, and I selfishly haven’t asked him not to. Instead, I take my guilt out on the yard, aggressively yanking weeds and digging up plants I’ve become bored with. Liza hasn’t been here to guide me with her vision. But I haven’t been fired, and Sally keeps bringing me cash, so I kept working, prepping the yard for winter.

I was in such a state today—sweaty, dirty, and exhausted—that I didn’t hear the sliding glass door open and her approach.

“Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes.”

My hand spade clattered onto the patio. Liza stood above me with the sun to her back. She wore a wide-collared flared dress that reachedjust above her knees. Her hair was combed off her face and fell in loose platinum waves down her back. Her face had filled out some, but she looked tan, fit, with a glowing smile behind sunglasses so large they covered half her face.

Happiness over seeing her after all these weeks warred with my guilt over what I’ve been doing in her absence. I bounced to my feet and lifted my chin for her air kisses after I told her I was too filthy for a hug, and that’s when I saw him. Hands on narrow hips, Matty glared at his wife’s back. I didn’t know where to look, so I stared at Liza’s neck, unable to meet her eyes.

“Why so peculiar?” she asked me.

“I’m not. I mean, I don’t mean to be,” I babbled, rattled. “I’m just surprised to see you.” Matty had given me the impression she’d never be back.She left me,he told me. But I should have known. This house had once belonged to her father. Of course she wouldn’t leave for good. If either of them moved out, it would be Matty.

“That makes two of us,” Matty said, terse.

Liza flicked her hand. “I know, I should have called first.”

So he hadn’t been expecting her. He was just as surprised by her arrival as I was.

“You should have signed the divorce papers I sent.”

Liza pouted. “I brought them with me. I’ll sign them if that’s what you want,” she said, sounding heartbroken. I could tell it wasn’t what she wanted. “Can we talk first, please? Inside?”

Matty gave her a curt nod and tilted his head toward the house.

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