Page 39 of Everything We Give

I collect the receipts Ian had left scattered on the table, drop some coins that hadn’t made it into the change dish, and swipe the business card that didn’t belong there, adding it to the receipts I’d leave on Ian’s desk. The name on the card catches my eye and I almost drop it.

LACYSAUNDERS

Memories scramble all over the place. They bombard me all at once. Lacy finding me at James’s funeral to tell me he’s alive. Her appearance on my doorstep with the wallet I hadn’t been aware I dropped. Her showing up unannounced at the café’s opening only to disappear before talking to me. James’s painting she’d shipped from Mexico along with the handwritten note that changed everything.

Here’s your proof ... Come to Oaxaca.

I might have flown to Mexico to find James, but it was Ian’s arms I landed in.

Ian.

Where did he get this?

Dropping everything but my phone and Lacy’s card, I go into the other room and sink onto the leather sectional. Only one name crosses my mind.

James.

I need to talk with your husband. Do you mind if I contact him?

I roll my phone end over end, thinking about yesterday. James had called me on the café’s main line. I didn’t expect to hear from him again, let alone see him. I didn’t want to see him. But his voice carried an edge of desperation I found hard to ignore. He had a few things that needed to be said. Long, overdue, important things I deserved to hear from him. He wanted to meet face-to-face, assuming I was OK with this.

Not really, but call me curious. I met with him, anyway, at a coffee shop in Palo Alto. He was visiting with college friends from his Stanford years—friends who’d thought he was dead, he added with a short laugh—and he was staying at a hotel nearby.

“The coffee shop is neutral territory,” James said with a note of vulnerability I’d never heard in him before. It was a place we hadn’t been to together. No risk of stirring up old memories.

But stir up they did.

Being in James’s presence alone, even from across the café, was enough to slice open the old wound. I stopped just inside the entrance and waited for the familiar pain to engulf me that arose whenever I thought of James. The sensation came, but it felt duller, weaker, and it didn’t arise from a longing that things might have turned out differently between us. It never had. The pain clenching my chest and holding on to my breath stemmed from the old hurt over the way we ended. The secrets, the lies, the betrayal. And finally, my forgiveness.

I took a meditative breath and the sensation faded almost as quickly as it had appeared. Unlike when I saw James earlier in the summer, I was determined to remain in control.

I made my way over to him. He stood when I approached, even pulled out my chair. I noticed that when he did so, he kept his distance. He also didn’t attempt to hug me before I sat down.

“Can I get you something? I ordered when I got here.” He pointed at his coffee when he returned to his seat.

I eyed the murky liquid. “It’s not black with no cream.”

“No, it’s not.” One side of his mouth lifted into a half smile. “I now take it with cream and a shot of coconut.”

“Kauai’s rubbing off on you.”

He tapped his chest. “This old dog can learn new tricks.”

“Yeah, well, we’ve all changed.”

James frowned slightly. I looked away. I hadn’t meant to sound sarcastic. It just came out that way. Inhaling deeply, I took a moment to collect myself.Stay in control of your emotions, Aimee.

I wasn’t in love with James, but sitting across from him reminded me of what it felt like to be in love with him. It reminded me of the person I used to be with him. Naive, timid, and immature.

We had so much history together. He was my childhood.

But he wasn’t my future, and it had taken me months and plenty of counseling to come to terms with my own ineptitude during my relationship with him. I’d been so down on myself.

At my invitation, Ian had attended some of my therapy sessions with me. He’d held my hand and listened attentively as I explained how I didn’t want to be that woman again—one with her ears covered and blinders on—while I was in a relationship with him. Ian had held me and fallen more deeply in love with me as I learned to love myself again.

I apologized to James. “What I was trying to say is—”

He held up his hand. “Don’t worry about it. I get it.” He pointed at his cup. “Can I order you a coffee?”

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