Page 17 of Not My Fault

I cut her off. “After Cassie’s scene inEuphoria?!”

“Yes!” We’re both hysterical laughing at the thought of that scene. I don’t know how it was supposed to be hot; it was crazy to me. Why would getting off on a carousel in front of hundreds of strangers be hot?

“Could you imagine? I doubt it’s possible, it doesn’t go fast enough,” Emily muses.

“Maybe when you’re on the drugs she was on,” I say.

“That’s true.” We both laugh just thinking about it.

Emily’s hand finds mine again as we walk through the park. We talk about things that we like and dislike. We’re not sure if the paparazzi are following us, so we don’t talk about anything we don’t want overheard. Truthfully, it’s a nice opportunity to get to know her. I didn’t know much about her, and it made sense that we should at least try to get to know the other. It would only take one question about her favorite food or color that could blow this whole thing up. Not that I was going to be doing any talking to the press.

We stop along the water to look at the passing boats and the kids playing in the park. There are grassy areas where people are tanning and reading. We’re both pretty quiet when a breeze blows by and the loose curls Emily has get caught in her lip gloss. Before she does anything, I reach forward to help tuck the loose strands behind her ears. She looks up at me, and her blue eyes melt into mine for just a moment. Everything nearby is suddenly silent, and I wonder if she’s about to kiss me. We both talked about it, it was something we were comfortable with. But I never anticipated it to feel so intimate. Her hand catches mine and my breathing stills. I think about leaning in to close the distance,but I don’t want to read the situation wrong. I don’t know if I’m reading into things or not.

At the last moment, Emily leans in, and just as I close my eyes, thinking she’s about to kiss me, she instead whispers in my ear. “There’s a paparazzi right behind you, so make this look good.”

Of course, this was all in my head. I knew what I signed up for, yet I was falling for an impressively good actress. I press my lips to the top of her head, breathing in a sweet minty smell. Maybe eucalyptus? It’s relaxing, but she pulls away and we continue our date.

NINE

Emily

I’m relieved at how easy it is to pretend to be with Gus. It feels like I’m just hanging out with a good friend. They hold my hand and call me babe, and I’ve never laughed that hard on a date with someone. It’s a relief, and I forgot we were supposed to be putting on a show for the cameras. But even without thinking about it, we manage to get amazing photos because of how natural we are. Viv made a point of telling me how good this is on the way to the Sesame Street shoot. We’re filming in the Kaufman Astoria studios, which is in Queens, so at least I don’t have to get on a plane for this.

Currently, I’m in hair and makeup with Viv sitting next to me on her phone. She’s typing away, working on something, and I sigh. I’m not thrilled to be doing this, but I know it will help. Viv hasn’t steered me wrong yet, so I take her advice. I mean, that’s what I pay her for. The makeup artist finishes, and I’m swept into wardrobe. I offered to bring clothes, but I think they wanted to make sure I’m wearing something appropriate. They give me a pink, oversized T-shirt and a pink flannel that matches, along with a pair of ripped jeans with patches sewn under. I’m allowed to keep my boots on, and I’m led to set.

My team takes photos of me with the whole gang; I even manage to get some selfies with Elmo. They had me prepping the song all week, so I’m not worried. It’s a cute kids’ song about feelings made up to the tune of one of my songs. So I know how to sing it. There is a teleprompter in case I need it, but I’m not worried. I’ve had enough practice, and I could sing it in my sleep at this point. The only thing that’s weird is I have to sing with the puppets and not give any attention or indication to the puppeteers actually doing the work. It’s essentially like singing and dancing with a figment of my imagination. No wonder they said Steve from Blue’s Clues went nuts.

“Okay sweetie. We say action, you count to three and then start singing. The puppets will join in after you, and it’s important that you don’t move when you’re. Just stay on set and talk to Elmo or Cookie or whoever you like,” the director tells me. I don’t appreciate him calling me sweetie, but he’s old and this is Sesame Street, so I’m going to let it slide.

“Sounds good.” I force a smile.

Viv is in the background, reminding me to smile, so I do. I need this over as soon as possible, so I’m not in the mood to do fifty takes.

“Action!” One. Two. Three.

I start singing the lyrics I memorized, the puppets start dancing not too long after. As I keep going, I dance a little, getting into it. Viv and the director look pleased as I sing the song and dance with Elmo. It doesn’t feel as crazy if I don’t think about it too much. As soon as the song is done, the music continues, and I blow the camera a kiss before doing a little shimmy with Big Bird.

“Cut!” the director calls. “I think that’s the first time we’ve gotten it on the first take.”

“Should we do it again, just in case?” one of the production assistants asks the director nervously.

“Yes. Always do it again just in case. Things happen all the time and it’s better to have a backup.” He nods.

“You need a drink or anything, Emily?” the director asks.

“No thank you, I’m good to go.” I smile.

We do the number once more, just in case, and everyone seems happy. Security escorts Viv and me back to the car and we head back into the city. I text Gus a photo of me with Elmo. I don’t know why I do, but we’ve been texting a lot lately.

GUS: Excuse me, you didn’t take a photo withtheCookie Monster?!

ME: I did! But I don’t have it on my phone. You’ll have to watch the episode

GUS: Already have a note in my phone. I think I turned on your post notifications on IG too

ME: Sounds like someone is becoming quite a stalker

GUS: Only because I have such a beautiful girlfriend

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