Page 71 of Where Happiness Begins
I follow every jerk of his body, every twitch of his back. His orgasm seems to last forever as his knuckles turn white where he’s holding himself against the wall. When he’s done, the veins in hisneck pulse as he catches his breath, body looking weak. He blinks. Blinks again.
And that is the moment I realize the full extent of what just happened, and freaking finally, I get my body to move, running all the way back to my bedroom and locking the door behind me.
I pull my earbuds out as I lean my back against the door, heart thrashing against my ribcage. The sound of the running shower disappears a few seconds later.
Shit. Shit, shit, shit.
I messed up. There’s no way I’ll ever be able to look at him again without imagining him in all kinds of pornographic images, and that’s not what we signed up for. At least not whathesigned up for.
Footsteps come from the hallway, making me tense up.
I hate that I stayed and watched him. I hate that I wanted to stay and watch him.
More than that, I hate that I want to get my vibrator and come with his name on my lips.
The footsteps slow in front of my door, and I hold my breath and close my eyes as if I can get him to forget about me if I try hard enough. I can’t have a mature conversation about this. Not now, at least, when I’m still amped up and need to control all the lust I feel for him.
A moment passes, then another, and finally, the footsteps resume.
My muscles loosen enough that my back slides along the door so I fall on my ass. The wood burns my skin, reminding me that notonly did I stare at my fake husband jerk off, I also did so while only wearing panties and a sports bra.
Fantastic.
I pull at the roots of my hair, trying to get me to think about something other than the face Andrew Carter makes when he comes. It doesn’t work.
I need to leave first thing tomorrow morning. Hopefully, the time away will do me good. It has to. The way I felt for Carter had already gotten bad, but this has made things so much worse. I can’t be thinking of him like this. Not if I want to get out of this marriage in one piece. I know a part of him cares about me, that’s obvious, but his small infatuation will never equal my deep feelings, and I’ll only end up hurt.
And yet there’s a tiny voice inside of me that says,he let you stay. He could’ve jumped and told me to get out. He could have yelled or hidden. Maybe he was too lost in his moment to react properly, or maybe, just maybe, he wanted me right where I was.
Chapter 29
“You are the prettiest bride to have ever existed.”
I have to hold back my tears as Lexie fixes a curl that escaped her bun, glowing. Her white dress is simple, nothing but pristine silk that falls into a short train covered by the prettiest lace veil. I know my best friend will bawl his eyes out when he sees his bride, and I’ll be right there with him. I’ve never seen two people so in love and so deserving of this moment.
“Do you think the makeup’s too much? Maybe I should—”
I stop her, hands on her shoulders. “You’re perfect.”
She gives me a shaky smile. I’ve seen this girl perform at the Olympic games, yet she’s never looked more nervous than she does right now. It’s all good nerves, though. After a two-year engagement, I know she’s so ready to marry Finn.
“I wish I’d convinced him to elope.”
“I know, but selfishly, I’m really happy you failed,” I say, squeezing her into a quick embrace. I seem to be overflowing with love today, crying left and right and wanting to hug everyone I pass. I might never have a real wedding, but at least I can live vicariously through this one.
I glance down at my ring, the gold band perfectly matching the necklace I found in Dad’s bedroom. My own wedding was nothing like today’s, and yet it’s a very real longing I feel at this moment.
After theincident—what I’ve called whatever happened in that bathroom in Chicago—I left straight for the airport in the morning, leaving a note saying I’d see everyone when they were back in New England. I couldn’t face Carter, especially not when there was a chance I’d ruined the friendship we’d spent months building. But now it’s been five days, and I miss him like crazy. I didn’t know how much I’d gotten used to having him around until I came back home and he wasn’t there. I used to be fine eating alone and doing everything by myself, but now, my food tastes bland when I look at the empty seat next to mine on the couch. I should not be missing him like this, especially since I miss more than his friendship. I miss his warmth when his leg touches mine while we watch a movie, miss the way I feel when I succeed in making him laugh, like I’ve won the lottery.
The door opens behind me, making Lexie and me turn to find Wren there, wearing a tight dress in a similar shade of green as mine. “It’s time,” she says, eyes glinting.
“All right. Show time,” I tell Lexie, who’s got her game face on. She decided to walk down the aisle by herself, so I’ll be joining the other bridesmaids to leave her alone. “You got this.”
She nods, and I follow Wren out the door of the main house on the Evermore Christmas Tree Farm before we join Finn’s and Lexie’s sisters, who are hidden by large fir trees right next to the start of the aisle, decorated with large assemblies of colorful flowers andcandles. Finn decided on having only a best man, so Aaron waits with the girls, grinning widely when he sees his wife approaching. As soon as the Canons in D begin, Aaron takes her arm and kisses her cheek with so much tenderness I nearly melt before they start making their way down. Then it’s my turn.
The decor looks fabulous, but my gaze immediately travels to Finn, who looks as nervous as Lexie did, but who also seems happier than I’ve ever seen him. I can’t stop smiling as I realize how lucky I am to be here today, witnessing the magic that exists between these two people I love so much.
There isn’t a large crowd, only the people closest to Finn and Lexie. I meet a few faces I recognize as I take slow steps, hands wrapped around a smaller version of Lexie’s wildflower bouquet, and just as I’m about to look back at Finn, I almost miss a step and regain my balance at the last second. Because right there is a face I never thought I’d see here. One I could never have missed even if I didn’t know what I was looking for. Carter’s seated in the third row, surrounded by smiling people, but my gaze is snagged on him like a magnet. Seeing him is a breath of fresh spring air after a long winter. And dressed like this, with what appears to be a black suit and crisp white shirt… I won’t survive this.
