Page 77 of Where We Belong

I feel like hurting someone. Scratch that; hurting them wouldn’t be enough.

I force myself to breathe in slowly, then exhale. If she can say all of that so calmly, then I get myself to maintain my composure too.

“It makes sense,” I end up saying.

The smile she gives me just about destroys everything in me.

We fall into silence, both of our gazes turned up toward the night sky. When I was away and sleeping in larger cities all over the world, I’d sometimes forget how beautiful the sky is in Sonder Hill, and only once I’d come back would I remember. Without light pollution, every star is sharp and bright, an incomparable sight.

“So you’ve never actually enjoyed it?” I ask, the question slipping out of my lips like skates on ice.

“Not with others, no.” At that, an image of Lexie touching herself fills my brain, and I want it out. It’s too much. The thought of her head thrown back, legs spread wide with her small, calloused hands between them is just about enough to throw me over the edge. “But to be fair, it’s always been with guys I’d only met a few hours before and who I never saw again, so maybe they didn’t find it great either.”

I grind my teeth so hard I feel a vein pulsing on my temple. “Maybe sex’s not the problem, then. Maybe it was just those selfish assholes you were with.” It’s an assumption, but I’d bet my left hand it’s the truth. Guys like that must’ve been done in five minutes, barely touching her beforehand.

I’d never make that mistake.

“Maybe.” Lexie’s face is still tipped upward, giving me the perfect view of the bob in her long, perfect throat. “It’s a struggle, you know. Iwantto be touched, but I also don’t want anyone touching me.”

I shift then, turning toward her just as she does the same. The air around the hot tub is so quiet, so still, as if we’re in some kind of bubble separating the two of us from the rest of the universe. And while Lexie might feel shy or vulnerable telling me this, I’ve rarely seen her look this strong. It’s in the glint in her eyes, in the straightness of her shoulders, in the way she still leans toward me even after all that’s happened to her.

That’s probably what pushes me to say the second dumbest thing today.

“I can’t pretend I’m a shrink or anyone who could actually help you make sense of all of that. But what I can tell you is I’m always going to be there for you if you need me.” My gaze deviates toward her shoulders, strong and smooth, barely protruding out of the water and covered in droplets. “And if ever you felt like trying…thingswith someone you know, someone I hope you trust, then I’m here too.” Her beautiful eyes have become round as saucers, yet she hasn’t stopped me. “And that’s not me propositioning you. That’s me saying that if you want to use me to figure things out, then I’m giving you permission to do so.”

For a moment, I expect her to shout at me, to tell me I’m out of my mind and I’ve ruined everything. But when she finally speaks, the only thing that comes out of her mouth is, “Just for me, huh?” Her grin comes back full force, making me chuckle.

“Just for you, my crabby.”

“So generous.”

“You know me,” I joke. “Always there to lend a hand.” Pun only half intended.

She laughs, then says, “Well, if ever I want to be added to that world-famous list, I’ll be sure to let you know.”

I smirk even though every single one of those words have felt like tiny needles pricking my skin. Is that who she thinks I really am? Who Istillam?

She’d trip if she knew I haven’t touched a soul in months. My longest dry streak since I was a kid, and I can’t even explain it. Just that I don’t feel like fucking left and right anymore.

She glances at her phone lying on the side of the tub, then moves out of her seat. “If I want to make it out of tomorrow alive, I better get going.” In one quick move, her body is out of the tub, dripping water and reflecting the bright shine of the moon. “Thanks for everything, Finn. This was great.”

“Of course.”

I’m too busy focusing on not staring at her that I miss the way she gets out. Only when she says, “And thanks for the towel,” do I realize I got duped. She even throws in a wink to make me feel even dumber.

Fuck. Me.

She walks away from the tub and turns the corner of the main house with my towel wrapped around her body, the same way she’s got me wrapped around her fucking finger.

Chapter 28

Lexie

Sweatdripsdownmyback as I stare at the set of bars, a mix of fear and anticipation coating the air.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” I mutter.

“You said the same thing about the tracks and everything else.”

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