Page 38 of Where We Belong

“Don’t you have anything better to focus on?”

He smirks. “Not at all.”

The temperature has plummeted in the past week, and with only my fleece jacket, the wind is getting to me. I cross my arms in front of my chest, continuing our trek through the trees that are almost ready to be cut down to decorate warmly lit and festive living rooms.

“So what’s different about her, then? Not your type?”

“No, it’s not that.” Images flash in my head of Halloween night, when her hair was pulled half up and the rest fell in loose curls over her shoulders, her smile so damn bright against the night sky. Who wouldn’t see that girl as their type? “She’s just…”

“More?”

I swallow. Is she? More?

My next breaths feel harder to take. As envious as I am of all the loving couples around me, I don’t know that I’ll ever truly believe inmore. The last person I fell in love with dumped me because she didn’t think I could ever be enough to make her happy and give her a good life, and that shit doesn’t ever go away.

“I don’t know,” I answer as I tug my hat lower on my head, three words that scare the shit out of me.

Aaron jumps on this. “Does my little Finn have a crush?”

“Fuck off,” I say, still stuck on the wordmore.

He laughs. “All right, I’m done.”

I don’t answer, my head somewhere else. I don’t usually mind Aaron’s intrusiveness—I’m the same with him, maybe even worse—but that’s because his questions don’t typically send me spiraling.

“But seriously, you know I’m always here if you need to talk, huh?” he says.

I nod. He might not be in town all the time, but he really is only a phone call away.

Aaron must notice the change in my mood, because he drops it. We continue strolling around the place that’s beautiful now, but that will become magical when the snow arrives, and as much as I love catching up, spending time in silence feels just as nice.

“You’ve done a really great job with the place, man,” Aaron says.

“Thanks.” We stand in the part of the farm that’s accessible for customers to cut their own trees starting in two weeks, and while it’s still mostly the same as it was when Aaron was managing the farm, I’ve added a few elements. A photo booth for families, handmade wooden Christmas decorations made by local artisans, a sugar shack booth to grab maple taffy while tree hunting.

“So it’s going well?” he asks. “The farm, I mean. Ma and Dad don’t tell me much about it.”

“Yeah, it is.” I tell him about the first edition of the Halloween event and what I’ve planned for this holiday season, and Aaron’s eyes widen with each new element.

“Look at you, Mr. Business Man.”

I smile, my gaze on my boots. Iamproud of what I’ve done with the place, but I’m not done yet. I have big plans for the farm. In fact, the idea of going back to school to get a business degree has started to run around in my mind. I wouldn’t mind having schooling that’d help me make this place reach its full potential.

But just as I’m about to say the words out loud, they stay locked in my throat. I don’t think I have the guts to take that step yet. The logical part of me knows that Aaron’s a good person and would be supportive, but there’s this other voice that tells me maybe he’d think the idea’s stupid. Maybe he’d laugh as if I were joking, and that would knock me down. I don’t think I could open up about it to my family either, at least not until it’s done. I’ve shown them multiple times how shitty of a student I was. I disappeared for years to couch-surf and travel the world. I’ve never held a home or a stable relationship. I flunked out of classes right at the start of college. How could they believe this time’s different?

“And how’s life around here? Anything new?”

“It’s…” I think back to the past few weekends, where I spent my time looking at the clock and wondering why the days were passing by so slowly. I’ve been lonely before—it’s inevitable when traveling solo. But somehow, it’s never felt quite like this, where I feel like I don’t relate to anyone anymore. Not to my high school friends, who’ve either moved away to bigger cities or built lives around here. Not to my parents, who are pillars of Sonder Hill, knowing everyone by name and loving to spend time with all of them. Not to my sister, who continuously runs away from us. Not even to Aaron, who has a family of his own now. I can drive around and find stuff to do, go to the gym, visit the library, hang out in clubs, but the feeling never dulls. Not entirely, at least. “It’s fine,” I conclude.

And honestly, it is. I look around, taking in the place that’s become my sanctuary. It’s fine to live life day by day, not having anything in particular to look forward to. It’s fine to spend most of your time alone. It’s fine to have a life that’s justokay. Not great, maybe, but fine.

“Hey, you okay?” Aaron asks, pulling me out of my daydream.

I shake myself, realizing how crappy I’m being. My best friend’s in town for the first time in forever, and here I am, moping about all the things my life is missing.

“Yeah.” A gust of wind blows a few fallen leaves through the air. “Although I’m freezing my balls off out here.” I smirk. “What do you say I get you a beer and then I beat your ass atMadden?”

He gives me a look that’s a little too inquisitive, but thankfully, the only thing he says is, “Lead the way.”

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