Page 79 of The Game Is Afoot

It feels like peace.

It feels like self-care? Oh my god,am I self-caring?

“What are you thinking about, Mommy?” Pearl asks.

“I’m thinking…this is nice. And it doesn’t have to be just for…certain moms. I deserve this, too, feeling like this. It’s up to me to make it a priority.”

“Huh,” she murmurs. And I know I’m supposed to make my brain stay right here. I know I’m not supposed to start thinking about the future, because that’s when the anxiety creeps in. But I can’t help but think about the legacy I can leave for Pearl if I figure out how to treat myself well, to show myself that I am deserving of slowness and peace. Maybe it won’t be so hard for her.

“What about you?” I ask. “What are you thinking about?”

“Bees.”

“Bees?”

“Yes, bees. They’re going to go extinct and I don’t know if I can stop it.”

“Oh. Okay.” It’s not quite the heartwarming moment I was hoping for, but it’s perfectly Pearl at eight.

“Permission to say a bad word?”

I sigh. “Sure, why not?”

“Bees dying isshit.”

The word explodes out of her mouth, like she’s been holding it in for weeks. And then we explode into giggles together, until we’re crying and our tummies hurt, and that feels like self-care, too.

—

Last night, I put myphone on do not disturb and slept better than I have in months, maybe years. And that peace has followed me through drop-off and into my morning walk with Polly, to Brady Park and back.

I know I still need to mend things with Jack, talk to Corey…but not in this moment. I’m just walking my puppy on a sunny February day in this moment, while I listen to a meditation on that app—which is actually really useful if you pay attention to what Tanya’s saying and also stay awake.

Polly jolts to a stop, nearly pulling me over with her. Unfortunately,shedidn’t get the whole “we’re peaceful now” memo and keeps stopping to sniff at every tree and speck on the sidewalk, which makes it a little harder to get into the flow. I tug her along. “Why are you acting like it’s your first day in the world? Get with the program, girlfriend.”

There’s also Bethany. I need to make a decision about what I’m going to do there. Honestly, though? I’m thinking about letting it go, moving on. I don’twantto, but everything is pointing to it being the right thing to do. Because I like feeling this way, and it’s all on me whether or not I get to experience it. If I leave this to the detectives, then I can finally stop moving the goalpost and take what I want right now, like my dad said.

A phone call cuts into Tanya’s soliloquy on giving our bodiesloving-kindness, and when I take my cell out of my pocket, I see Ms. Joyce’s face replacing the tranquil blue of the app.

Okay, I’m still going to take what I want, but…right after this. Because if I ignore her, that’s only going to cause more problems for my peace down the line.

Polly stops to sniff at something else on the ground and I pull her along, accepting the call.

“Mavis! Mackenzie hit the woman! And then she took her back to her lair!” Her voice is so loud that her mouth must be pressed right up to the receiver. My body tenses. Peace who? I don’t know her.

“Ms. Joyce, what?” I must have heard her wrong. Because who would Mackenzie hit? And alair?

“This poor little skinny woman!” she shouts, huffing like she’s just run a marathon. “Mackenzie hauled off and punched her in the face! There’s blood everywhere and now she’s hiding her in her house, probably gonna chop her up like one of those documentaries I’ve seen on the Netflix, and then—then…put her in a workout smoothie or something! They always say they never saw it coming, but for the record, I saw it coming! Asking for an HOA? It’s just not right. Things like that tell you who people are.”

“Ms. Joyce,” I say, trying to keep my voice full of loving-kindness. Tanya would be proud. “I don’t understand what you’re talking about. Mackenzie is not putting anyone in her workout smoothie.”

“T’uh. You don’t believe me? Fine. See how you come out on the Netflix documentary. But I got the footage they’re gonna want. And I’m ’bout to bust in there and stop her myself!”

“Don’t do that. I’m coming, and we’ll sort this out.” I hate to encourage this, but maybe it’ll keep her busy for the two blocksI need to walk…“Don’t you have mics in her house? Can’t you listen in on those and make sure everything is okay?”

“Oh, my security system doesn’t sound so bad now, does it? But no, that was the only one I had in her house. Would’ve got another one in there if she didn’t come home early that day. Nearly broke my hip again coming down from that window. Hmmm—maybe if I go in that way, I can catch her unawares.”

“No! Just stay right where you are. Please.”

---