Page 20 of The Game Is Afoot

“And it’s okay to feel everything right now.”

Even as I say it, I hear the irony in how I make myself live the opposite—especially right now with my wall up.

“I didn’t want him to die.”

“I didn’t either. I’m so sorry, Pearl.”

“And he’s—he’s not going to be here for mybirthday!”

Her whole body deflates at that. And I resist my first instinct to tell her that he wasn’t going to be here anyway. We just have a small family dinner planned for her celebration next weekend. But I can see how she’s trying to work this out, to trace how thisunraveling spool of loss, of grief, will extend beyond the pain of right now into her future.

“He’s not. And I know that’s really hard to think about.”

I rock her as we sit in it together, letting the minutes on the clock tick by, even as I know we’re creeping closer to the late bell. And then when her breath finally does slow, when I’ve rubbed her back in the exact right soothing pattern, her face crumples again at the realization that those feelings are still there, regardless. It’s the same face she made when I accidentally let Polly out and we couldn’t find her for the worst twenty minutes. Or when Corey left on his last big tour before he took this indefinite pause. Sad and mad, but mostly sad.

So that gets added to the beat, too, after I finally drop Pearl off at Knoll’s side gate, and now it’s:

Therapy-L-word-therapy-balance-Coach-Cole-scarred-for-life-trauma-zits-with-a-mortgage-FBI-agent-sad-and-mad-and-sad

My footsteps seem to hit the pavement in time with each word, as if it’s choreographed, as if it’s my own heartbeat.

Therapy-L-word-therapy-balance-Coach-Cole-scarred-for-life-trauma-zits-with-a-mortgage-FBI-agent-sad-and-mad-and—

“How are you holding up? It’s so sad what happened!”

I jump, and Bethany grins as if I’m doing a bit.

“And what was that about the FBI?”

“Oh, nothing, I just need—” To get out of your presence right now because I’m this close to losing it, and apparently have no control of the words coming out of my mouth.

Which is what I think, but apparently my face reads more as, I just need a hug. Because that’s what Bethany does, pulling me into one so tight that I have no choice but to sit there and take it, even as she caresses my back and murmurs, “There, there. I’m here.”

When she releases me, I have to engage every muscle in myface to keep it cute, and it gets even harder when I take in what she’s wearing: a beanie with a pom-pom, puffer jacket, thick scarf, and tall plum-colored Ugg boots. Lady, it’s January, but it’s notJanuary. The thing that finally breaks my composure, though, is the pointed, deep green crystal in her left hand, which she’s gripping just as tightly as she did me, rubbing her thumb in a continuous circle on its side. I blink furiously to keep away the side-eye.

But again, she drastically misreads my face. Or maybe the thing is on the fritz.

“Oh, Mavis. Please let it out—I’m here.” She tries to hug me again, but I bob and weave to avoid it. “In times like these, I’ve found that I really need to lean ineven moreto the self-care that I know works for me. You have to protect yourself as you maneuver this grief. We don’t even have to talk about the business side yet if you just want to try out my 30-Day Oxygen Mask Challenge. But who knows, maybe this is the universe showing you that this is your moment…”

Wait. Is shereallytrying to use Coach Cole’s death to sell me on her stupid MLM again? That is bonkers, even for a girlboss. But if what Ruth said is true…

“And if you do decide to take that first brave step, you don’t have to put anything down yet, just—”

“Bethany, do you think your I LUV ME method can—” My voice catches. It feels icky to even say out loud. “Can…cure cancer?”

Her glossy, nude lips drop open into a perfect O, and her hand flies to her chest. “No. I wouldneversay that!”

My whole body floods with relief. She’s annoying. And pushy. But at least she’s notthe worst.

“But I do believe the body and mind are connected and when you show that you care for one, it gives the other the will to keepfighting. And my I LUV ME method encompasses all that I learned through my journey, the exact combination of brain and body care I did to bring about the healing of my whole self. That’s why I’m so humbled and grateful that Ididwalk that road, so I can share it with women walking their own paths and help them find the peace andprotectionthey need to livehealthy, happy, and well-balanced lives.”

Okay, so, scratch that, sheisthe worst.

“That’s bullshit, Bethany. And you know it.”

“Mom! You said itagain?” For some reason—probably because I forgot to say my prayers one night or forward a bad luck chain email—Pearl has appeared at my side, hands on her hips like,I can’t take you anywhere.

“Why are you out here? I sent you through the gate.” I glance behind her at the gate for confirmation, and Mrs. Nelson at least tries to look like she wasn’t just using us as her morning entertainment.

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