Page 91 of Reggie and Delilah's Year of Falling

“You’re right. You’re so right. And see, I was thinking about it last night. You know how you’re always talking about how you feel like a different person on stage? I think what I was doing... well, what I’vebeendoing... I think it’s sorta like that.”

Something hot and angry flickers in her eyes, and I know immediately that I’ve said the wrong thing.

“That is not even close to the same thing,” she says, her voice steely. “That was in the band. For show. I’ve always been real with you.”

“Okay, yeah. I’m sorry. I only meant—”

She’s already shaking her head, holding her hand up. “Stop. Just... actually, we need to back up. I need you to tell me exactly what I’m dealing with here, because I’m not even sure I fully understand.” She sighs heavily. “Or, I think I do. But I was up all night, going back and forth between getting so...pissedat you, and then, like, gaslighting myself and telling myself that I’m overreacting.That it’s not a big deal. So I need to just hear it from you. All of it. What is happening, Reggie?”

Her voice cracks when she says my name, and it breaks something in me. I’ve told myself that all of this wasn’t hurting anyone and that it was so minor, but seeing her like this—it’s hard to keep that narrative going in my head. I owe her honesty. I owe her everything.

So, I tell her how I saw her on stage and fell in love immediately, except I don’t say the L-word because I don’t want this to be the first time she hears it from me. I tell her how I faked all that confidence sitting there on the curb outside of The Mode because I knew that a girl like her would never like an anxious, insecure guy like me, so I basically role-played cool. I couldn’t hide my nerdy interests because of that stupid shirt, so I pretended to have no shame in what I like, even though I actually have, like, all of the shame. Even though my brother and his friends and assholes all my life have mocked me mercilessly for what I like. And it just... spiraled from there when I realized she liked that person and I might have a chance with her if I kept being him. New Reggie. New Reggie is secure in his dorkiness and his Blackness. New Reggie wouldn’t be scared to put his name on his writing or show his face on an internationally famous podcast. And I told little lies that became big lies because I kept them going for so long. Because I was so scared to lose her.

When I’m done, when I’ve confessed everything, I study her face to see if there’s any hope for us left.

Delilah

As I listen to him speak, everything clicks into place. He always seemed too good to be true... because he was. I was falling for a character, an ideal, instead of a real person. But still, I’m trying to parse through all of it for the guy I know, the guy I connected with. Because what we had felt so real. How could it feel that way if so much of what he showed me was fake?

When he’s finished, I can see him searching my face for absolution, and I want to give him that. I really do. I want to lean my head on his shoulder and wind our fingers together and have everything be okay again. But I know if I do that, the brokenness will always linger, a crack in the foundation that brings the whole building down eventually.

“The thing with your family,” I finally say, my voice slow and tentative. “I can understand that... I guess. Almost. It’s not your fault, that your brother makes fun of you. I just... I wish you would have told me it was like that.”

“I should have. I know.”

“And it’s not a bad thing that you’re not always this confident person, Reggie. It makes you human. I’m not always confident either. Idefinitelywasn’t when we first met. You know I’m always doubting myself.”

“I’m so glad you understand,” he says, his eyes lighting up in relief.

I shake my head. “But what I can’t get past was the lie.A podcast?What a stupid, small thing to lie about. And for so long—”

“I agree, it was just—”

“Let me finish.” The words come out harsher than I intend, and I can see his eyes dim. “It makes me wonder what else you could be lying about.”

“Nothing.” His hands go out, big and dramatic, like he’s signaling to a plane above. “Nothing. I promise I—”

“But I don’t know that. I can’ttrustthat. And also, there’s the reason that you lied. To give me all this advice, push me to take risks.” I let out a growl of frustration. “Here I was thinking you had it all figured out. I wanted to be more like you... and I didn’t even really know you at all. Not the real you.”

“It could be the real me, though!” His voice comes out strangled, and I see him swallow, trying to get it under control. He rubs at the sides of his eyes, and then whispers. “I—I think it’s the me that I want to be, who I am deep down. Does that make sense? With you, it’s like... I get to be my true self. I get to be free of all the bullshit.”

It does make sense to me. And a part of me goes all gooeyinside, knowing that I am that person for him. But there’s also the part of me that’s flaming, burning mad over his deceit, and the part of me that’s tense with worry that I’m letting myself get walked over again, like I’ve done so many times before. “I’m just so confused.”

“I know I was stupid. I know I—I... I lied. I messed with your head. And I’m so, so sorry. I’ll never stop saying that I’m sorry.” He reaches for my hand, and I let him take it this time. “But what I know for sure, probably theonlything I know for sure, is that this year has been magic. And that’s all because of you, Delilah. You are magic.”

And I want to be that person for Reggie. I want to believe that I’m magic. But also, there’s something about that label that feels stifling, restrictive. Magic sweeps away all the problems and makes everything better, everyone happy. Magic is the fairy godmotherpoofing in to save the day, and who knows what happens to her after that? Who cares? That’s exactly who I’m tryingnotto be anymore. And if that’s what he thinks of me, then maybe this wasn’t supposed to work out. I will only disappoint him in the long run... like he has disappointed me.

Maybe it’s better to call it before either of us wastes any more time—like the years my parents wasted before they found the lives, and the people, that truly made them happy.

“I’m not magic. I’m not perfect.” My throat feels raw as the realization of what’s about to happen sets in. “I’m just... normal. And that’s all I expected from you. For you to be your normal self.”

“I know. And I will be, from now on. I’ll never front or lie to you ever again.”

“I don’t know,” I say, even though I do. Even now, when I know what I have to say, I’m trying to make it smaller, easier to digest. “It seems like maybe we both got caught up in something that—that wasn’t really here.”

“Don’t say that. Please. You don’t believe that, right?” He rubs at his eyes again, but a tear still escapes. It makes my chest feel tight and painful. “This is meant to be. That’s why we kept meeting up like that, that’s why... all the holidays. Sweetheart, please.”

That name. I can’t. I need to do this before I lose the will. I need to just do the hard thing and not worry about the reaction or hurting his feelings. He already hurt mine.

---