Page 81 of Reggie and Delilah's Year of Falling

Beau’s mouth drops open like he’s about to say something, but Charlie is already talking. “Is that what this is about? ’CauseI didn’t like your song?” His smile is morphing into a sneer. “You gotta get a thicker skin, Delilah. You gotta learn to pay your dues. We are the ones giving you an opportunity here.”

Before I would have accepted that. I would have felt embarrassed, ashamed. Because isn’t that what I thought before? Isn’t that what I told Reggie that first night outside of The Mode?

But I don’t believe that anymore.

“No,” I say, clearly, firmly. “You weren’t just giving me an opportunity. This was mutually beneficial. I gave this band as much as you gave me. And, you know, it seems to me like you gladly used me, used my Blackness, when it benefited the band and got you listeners that didn’t care who you were before.”

Charlie’s mask of composure finally slips, and there’s something mean, something ugly, there.

“Are you fucking serious?” he asks, his voice dripping venom. “Really, Delilah? Really? You’re acting like I’m racist or something.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Well, good. Because that’s so fucking stupid. You know it is, Delilah.” He throws his hands up, like he’s dealing with a petulant child. “You know my family has a—aBlackLives Matter sign on our lawn.”

Behind him, Asher winces but doesn’t say anything. Charlie continues, “With you... I—I don’t even see color.”

And there it is, all laid out. It’s like by even bringing up the fact that I’m Black, even acknowledging that he sees me as Black too—it’s suddenly become a challenge for him to prove he’s notracist. Immediately his comfort, his needs, take precedent over everything else... I guess that’s the way it’s always been. I want to laugh, but I also want to scream. I see him so clearly now that I can’t believe I ever saw him as any different before.

“I want you to see my color. It’s part of who I am,” I say, my words quieter now, calm. Because I’ve shown myself that I can be loud if I need to be. But also, I don’t have to give anyone that much of me if I don’t want to. I don’t have to fight people who don’t even deserve that. “And I know you do. That’s okay. What’s not okay is...usingmy color, using me, to benefit your music, and then turning around and keeping me out of everything else—making it clear that’s all you thought I was good for.”

Beau exhales loudly. “Damn. Delilah, I’m so sor—”

“Are you—nah. This is... you’re just looking for excuses.” Charlie sputters, shaking his head. He rubs his hand over his face, and all of a sudden the charming smile is back. “Listen,” he says, voice warm and smooth again. “We both made mistakes here. We’re both at fault. Can we just agree on that? Can we forgive each other?”

I know he wants me to take some of the blame—so he can tell himself the right story, so he doesn’t have to accept that he did anything wrong. But I’m not going to do that for him.

I shrug. “Whatever you need to tell yourself, Charlie.”

“Okay,” he says, bobbing his head and waving his hand, like that’s something minor we’ll circle back to later. “But we don’t need to make a decision now. Let’s take a breather. We can talk more about it tomorrow.”

“Yeah, Delilah. We need you,” Beau says. His eyes are kind and his voice sounds genuine. It almost makes me reconsider. Because isn’t that all I wanted? To be needed, appreciated in this band? But next to him, Asher’s face is blank, and Charlie’s lips are pressed so tight they’re almost white.Theyare never going to tell me they need me.

“I know you do,” I say, my eyes landing on all of them. “And I needed you too. But I don’t anymore.”

I turn and walk out the door. And as I make my way down the path, the roaring in my ears shifts to the roaring of waves, the sound of wind whipping through rolled-down windows. It’s peace.

Reggie is leaning against his car, and the bright sun is making his brown skin look like it’s lit from within. He shines. It’s as if the universe is sending me a sign, brilliant and clear, un-ignorable. He raises his eyebrows, talking to me without any words, and I take long strides to close the space between us. Right before I reach him, though, I stop, and he tilts his head to the side, confused. I walk the rest of the way slowly, savoring the way he looks at me, the warmth radiating from his body as it reaches mine. We’re toe to toe, and then nose to nose. I reach up to cradle his face in my hands and finally press my lips to his.

Reggie

I’m standing there thinking about kissing Delilah, and all of a sudden I’m. Kissing. Delilah. And it feels like magic. Not just because it shifted from dream toOh shit, this is actually happeningfaster than my brain can even process. But because her lips are so soft and her hair smells so good and her callused hands start on my cheeks but then move to my neck, my shoulders, pulling me closer. I wrap my arms around her waist and try to push down the feelings that I don’t deserve this, that she’s going to regret it as soon as it ends. Because this kiss is fast, feverish. It feels like months of feelings, of frustration, fighting to be known all at once.

When we finally pull away because I guess we have to breathe or whatever, I stare at her, starry-eyed and stunned.

“I’ve been wanting to do that, like, basically forever.”

She rolls her eyes, a huge smile taking over her face. “Well, you didn’t.”

“I didn’t. But also... I tried. And it didn’t seem like it waswhat you wanted. It’s hard to come back from that.”

“I know. I’m sorry,” she says. “I was just so worried about making sure it was right. I wanted to stand on my own first.”

“And you do.” I reach out and touch her hip, pulling her closer to me. “But let’s be real. I think I’m the one in danger of losing myself here. I’ve already been gone.”

She covers her face with her hands, but then smirks at me between her fingers. “Last night, though? I was sending all the signs. It got a little ridiculous.”

“It did. I promise to just, like... ask you next time.” I thread my fingers through the tiny curls at the back of her neck and brush our noses together before planting another kiss on her lips. She kisses me back, softer this time, and I can feel her smile blossom.

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