Page 55 of Reggie and Delilah's Year of Falling

So I guess I only know what’s best for me sometimes. When I’m at school and it’s not going to embarrass him in front of a crowd or reflect on him as a parent. I don’t know why I’m even upset, because this isn’t new.

“Now come on and help me with this water, boys.” He walks out of my room, and Eric and I silently follow.

Delilah

“Now, I thought I told you to put that phone away,” my mom calls from the kitchen, fixing me with a stare that makes it clear she doesn’t justthink, sheknows.

And I guess she has. Quite a few times. In just the past hour.

But it’s hard not to be glued to my phone when there’s so much happening on it, all the time.

Fun Gi is still riding the wave of that video, which is basically an eternity in social media. I thought maybe it was a fluke. That the big show at The Mode was our one shining moment before everyone moved on to some other band. And they have, for sure. But a lot of people—a lot of people withopinions, good and bad—have stuck around.

omg my new favorite band

delilah ur so pretty

I’m so here for this Black Girl Magic!

Did she actually confirm she was black tho??? I’m just saying...

MARRY ME CHARLIE

“Maybe she can’t hear me,” Mom continues, turning to Andre. “Can you hear me? AM I TALKING LOUD ENOUGH?”

Andre rolls his eyes and covers his ears. “We can all hear you plenty. I’m sure she’s just finishing something up.”

I’m not finishing anything, because there’s no way to see it all. I could scroll forever, seeing people’s opinions of my voice, my face, my Blackness...

I gotta stop. I put my phone facedown on the dining table and walk toward the counter.

“What’s all this?” I ask, pointing to the food laid out. “I thought we were leaving soon.”

“Well, someone just told me that it’s a potluck,” Mom says, side-eyeing Andre.

“And I just toldsomeonethat I could pick up something at the store on the way. That’s what I always do,” he fires back with a smile.

“Andsomeoneis trying to have me look like a fool when I meet half his family for the first time.” Mom bumps his hip with hers. “So we’re making my mac and cheese. We’re gonna be a little late, but y’all already know everyone else will too, so we’re good.”

“Ha! Can’t argue with that!” Andre smiles and points at her, nodding his head.

We’re heading to a big barbecue to celebrate Juneteenth at a park in north Long Beach. I’ve never reallycelebratedJuneteenth before. For a long time it was just a footnote in a textbook, and then it was a reason for companies to send another marketing email. But apparently Andre’s family has been going to this barbecue foryears, and he really wanted to bring us this time. Georgia had an out with voice lessons, but I wasn’t so lucky. Not that I don’t love Andre. I do. It’s just... playing happy family with a family that isn’t mine is not my idea of fun.

And also sometimes I get this nervous feeling in big groups of Black people. Not like the anxiety I feel in big groups of white people, where it’s immediately apparent I’m not one of them. Because regardless of my dad, I’m notwhite. White people have always made that incredibly clear. My Blackness is the first thing they see. Even now, with that video and the new followers it brought, my Blackness seems to be called out in every other repost.

And I see myself as Black, too. That’s the box I’ve always checked on forms—and as a biracial person, it feels like you have to make that choice.

But still... I always worry that Black people can take one look at me and immediately tell I don’treallybelong. I’m always bracing myself for that rejection.

This means a lot to Mom, though. I could tell by the gentle way she asked, and how she bit her lip and looked all disappointed when Georgia declined. So I agreed.

“Will you get that pan out for me? The big one?” Mom is back at the stove, whisking something fast. “This sauce is almost done.”

“I’m on it,” Andre says, pulling a cabinet door open. They work so well together.

And okay, if they’re distracted, maybe I can just glance at my screen, really quickly...

When I pulled the big twist with Zorciar in the game lastnight I swear Yo was about to flip the table

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